It's been a long time since I've blogged. Sometimes that means I've been stressed, sometimes it means I haven't been feeling creative, sometimes it means I'm overwhelmed by the note in my phone that says "Blog" and contains a bunch of ideas. This time, it's a combination of all three.
I have been stressed (hello, toddler life), but overall things have been fairly manageable. I've felt creative on and off, but often the "on" doesn't last long enough for me to get to my computer. I'm definitely overwhelmed by the "Blog" note in my phone. That might be the biggest factor. Any time I think of an idea for a blog post, I jot it down in the note. At this point, the note is twenty-eight ideas deep and I'm paralyzed by where to begin.
So I've decided to type out the list exactly as it appears in my phone and write a sentence or two of explanation. If I want to elaborate more later, cool. If I don't, at least I threw the thoughts out there and I can clear the note.
Dumping from the "Blog" Note on My Phone
Pictures aren't worth a thousand words - I was an obsessive journaler as a teen. I would get home from class and document every conversation I thought was funny or worth remembering, terrified that I might forget a precious detail of my life. Nowadays, I find myself taking pictures of moments I want to remember. It's like checking a box. "Okay cool. I've documented this moment. It's safe." But instead, I find myself remembering my life in less and less detail. Now if I don't have a photo, it's like it didn't happen. That's scary. Pictures aren't worth a thousand words. A thousand words are worth a thousand words, and when I don't use them...my life becomes snapshots instead of a screenplay.
Why I'm scared to pray for healing - Because I'm afraid it "won't work." Trusting is hard for me, and that includes trusting God. When we pray for healing, we declare that we KNOW God can do it, and I believe that. But sometimes he doesn't. If I pray for healing and believe it with all my heart and he doesn't do it the way I imagine...it feels like a breach of trust. Couldn't I just...not pray for healing, and save myself the disappointment and God the embarrassment?
If she needs help, she will ask - This idea has been in my phone for probably six months, and it refers to Elle. For a while, it was really hard for me not to jump in and fix things or help when I saw Elle struggling to do something, but then it occurred to me: she didn't seem frustrated. Something would take her a long time to do, and would be difficult, but she wouldn't whine or yell or give up; she would just keep trying. I realized I was tempted to save her from what wasn't even a problem yet, so I said to myself, "If she needs help, she will ask," whether the request was in the form of crying or, now, the actual word or ASL sign for "help."
Kids make you more attentive. Walks - Walking with Elle in the stroller (or on foot), I've noticed hundreds of things about our neighborhood that I never would have before. She notices when there are wind chimes or when someone changes up their decorations or if there's a dog way in the distance or a rock lying on the sidewalk. It genuinely is like I'm getting to see the world for the first time too.
Face demons...anger feels like power. - On the subject of facing one's demons for the sake of parenting well, I've realized that I would rather feel anger than other "negative" emotions because anger feels powerful. Sadness, guilt, shame, etc. all feel vulnerable, but if I go angry instead, it tricks me into feeling like I still have the agency. I say tricks because I think we all know deep down that anger can make you as much as a slave as any other emotion, maybe more so.
Facing demons: Extroversion --> sharing --> performative --> vanity - I'm notoriously extroverted and an external processor, both of which lead me to share a lot about my life and my thoughts. It seems like people enjoy seeing or reading those, which is really validating, but at some point, I know the "sharing" crosses over into being performative, which easily leans into vanity/validation-seeking/attention-seeking. I'm a huge sucker for those. At exactly what point does sharing from extroversion become performing for Likes or clicks? (She says, as if she's an influencer 🤣)
It depends on who you believe - People are more and more divided on their beliefs. Is our food killing us? Do doctors have our best interest at heart? Should births happen in a hospital? Is IVF as bad as abortion? Is Black maternal mortality a real issue? Are female pastors biblical? It all depends on who you believe. "No?!" you say. "X is actually true. It's a FACT." Okay, according to what source? What if I don't believe that source? What if I think that source is lying to you to control you, to control the narrative, to get votes? It's exhausting. We don't just have news or research anymore; we have clickbait and manipulation. It doesn't even feel productive to have a conversation anymore because no one can agree on trustworthy authorities.
Escape from life - It feels like I'm constantly trying to escape from my life—the life I love, the life I prayed for. All I ever want to do is run away or distract myself. That's not how I want to be living life. I want to build a life that I don't need to escape from. I don't know how to do that yet, but I know that ought to be the goal rather than escaping.
Realizing/admitting why I'm really snapping or something - Most often when I snap at Gabe (or anyone else), it's because I'm feeling something that I haven't admitted. I'm feeling guilty or nervous or stressed and it comes out as anger about something unrelated. I've s l o w l y begun the practice of stopping when that happens, finding the vulnerability-related issue inside me, and admitting it to the person I've snapped at. It feels HORRIBLE. It feels like standing naked with a big "YOU CAN HURT ME" sign on my forehead instead of the impenetrable shield of "f'ck you, this is your problem, I'm fine" blaring from my speakers. But I know it's the right practice, and it's something I want to model for Elle.
Skills versus understanding - Driving to church, Gabe was telling Elle about what was out the window and he was using "left" and "right" as they appeared to him. However, Elle is rear-facing, so I asked him to do it the other way around for her. "Yeah, but it is the left side of the car," Gabe said. "I thought you wanted to talk to her like a regular person and let her figure things out as she gets older? How is this different from letting her try to climb a stair and falling off?" I had to think about it, but I realized that I think there's a difference between skills and understanding. I want Elle to build skills messily, on her own; but I don't want her to build understanding that way.
People don't change their minds - Like, they do, but...not because you post something on Facebook or disagree with them at a party. I genuinely don't understand why we're still out here trying to change people's minds in any way other than living the way we think we should, and waiting for them to see the fruit in our lives. For 90% of people, arguing isn't going to have any effect other than putting up someone's defenses and making them double down. Just live like Jesus and make them watch.
What is the one thing you struggle with? (Anger, selfishness) - Payton, our pastor, asked this in a sermon a few weeks ago and I've wanted to dig into it. I do think each of us has a handful or sins or struggles that are especially hard for us. I think mine are anger and selfishness.
Not talking for two minutes - This is an older note (I do not update my Blog list in order. I tap the list and start typing wherever), but for a while Elle was demanding that I talk almost constantly. On one twelve-minute drive to Starbucks, she asked "What's that?" seventy-seven times. Now, lucky for her I talk a LOT, but I was getting burnt the hell out, so a few times a week, I would say to her, "Mama is going to take a talking break. I'm going to set a timer for two minutes and be quiet until it goes off." I'd set my timer, and immediately a huge weight would be lifted off my shoulders. Elle could talk, she could ask, she could whine, but she knew what was going on. For two minutes, I'd feel free.
Be angry at the right time, for the right reason, the right amount - This is another Pastor Payton quote, and it's something I aspire to and think about often. I don't have anything else to say about it in this rapid-fire manner, but maybe I'll circle back eventually.
Why does it REALLY bother me when Elle doesn't do what I say? Trapped - I think a lot of parents—to different degrees—feel angry when their kids don't do what they ask. But why? It's not that much effort to put the headband on again or re-hang the dish towel. We can tell ourselves that we're reacting to the bigger picture, the danger of our kids running out in the street one day, but that's not true. It's not. We're just pissed off in the moment, and that's not our kids' problem, it's ours. What's really going on inside me when I get angry about little things? For me, I think I get triggered by feeling "trapped." It's like Elle's opposition is impinging on my freedom by dictating what I have to do, or what I can't do. That's interesting—and more about her than me.
My OCD is about control - One of the many ways my OCD manifests is by telling me that if X happens, Y will happen—but it's like really stupid conditions, such as "If the fork lands in the silverware caddy, Elle will fall asleep within ten minutes at nap time." Like ?!?! Obviously my brain knows these predictions are nonsense. My guess is that it's mind trying to create an illusion of control, or if not control, predictability.
Goliath stones meme - I saw a meme a few weeks ago that said "Who told you to hug Goliath and call it grace? David picked up a stone. Naiveté isn't holy; it's foolish. Grace without discernment will have you protecting what God told you to confront." Now, I get what it's saying, but I think I know what the people latching onto this meme have in mind, and...no. In fact, I can think of another Bible story that involves throwing stones, and a pretty important character who chooses not to.
Looking at pictures/The Maiden Dies - There's a saying that when a woman births a baby, "the maiden dies; the mother is born." I read that during my birth prep, and I wondered how that would feel. Eighteen months into motherhood, it feels...accurate in every possible sense. The awesome—as in inspiring awe—sense. The creepy sense. The poetic sense. The morbid sense. The strong sense. I look at my maternity pictures and there is a maidenhood light in my eyes that has flat-out DIED. I will never have that particular sparkle again. A different sparkle, sure, if we want to say that, but motherhood is way less sparkly and much more—oh damn. Embers. Intense, concentrated, much less flashy, able to ignite things. Huh.
I don't like feel good music/don't stop believing - One of my least favorite songs in the world is "Don't Stop Believin'." It gets stuck in my head, and I just don't care for "feel good" songs. I guess for most people they bring a sense of community and hope...? But I pretty much like three categories of songs: ones with sexy bass lines (e.g., "Booty Wurk" by T-Pain), ones that express some type of aggression ("Diary of Jane" by Breaking Benjamin), and ones with melody and lyrics so perfect they make my soul hurt ("Neptune" by Sleeping At Last). At no point do I think to myself, "Man, I'd like to listen to a song that makes me feel like a happy high schooler in the 70s."
Toddler royal "we" - For some reason we use plural pronouns when talking about a toddler: "We got up a little early today" or "We're very into pasta right now." I don't know why, but it feels more polite to group ourselves with the toddler? Otherwise it feels like we're talking ABOUT them, almost in an accusatory way. But, like, we ARE talking about them, so is it condescending to pretend like we're in the same boat? I really don't know what to do with this 🤣
They will know you by your love - Most Christians are probably familiar with Jesus saying to his disciples that everyone will know they are Christ-followers by the way they love each other (John 13:35). Well, on the whole, Christians are not known for their love. At all. We're known for a lot of things, and love may not even be in the top five. That's a huge, huge, huge problem. (I might even believe that's the biggest problem. I'd probably need a whole post to figure that out though.)
Abortion - Oh jeez. This is not something I want to get into in rapid-fire-fashion. I don't think it's something I'm ready to get into at all yet, unless I can talk to you face-to-face.
What does it mean to be human ChatGPT - I definitely want to write a whole post on this one, but it boils down to this: ChatGPT isn't saving us time as much as it's saving us from the work of being human. ChatGPT can't fold your laundry, but it can write a poem. It can't be your friend, but it can listen to and remember what you say. A lot of the things we're outsourcing to ChatGPT aren't the annoying logistics of daily life, but thinking and free therapy and refining ideas for essays. We're using Chat to save time and mental energy so that we can—what? Watch TV? Scroll Instagram? Online shop? If we're not using our saved time to do human activities, then are we becoming the machines?
Singing in front of people Elle - I sing to Elle all the time, mostly because she requests it. She treats me and Gabe like an iPod, skipping by shaking her head and putting songs on repeat by singing "More." I recently got to go on a ladies' retreat, and one night turned into an impromptu worship session. I've been uncomfortable singing in front of people since I was about twelve years old (before that I wanted to be in a professional singing group XD), but I did not care at this retreat. Did I sound better than I have in the past? I don't think so. I think I'm simply more used to singing and don't care. One of the random ways being a mom has made me stronger 🤣
I'm not a girls' girl - This is another thought that needs a full post, but it's trendy right now to be "a girls' girl," which seems to translate into taking girls' sides at all cost, whether truthful or constructive or not. I watched The Parent Trap a couple of months ago with some friends and one friend said in passing that she "appreciated what Meredith was trying to do, 'Get your bag, girl,'" and that stuck out to me. In the movie, Meredith is a twenty-five-year-old who is trying to marry a man for his money and plans to ship his daughter off to boarding school ASAP because being a mom sounds like a hassle to her. In trying to be "for the girls," this friend seemed to take for granted that any reason a woman wants to get married or any way she wants to acquire money is a "you go, girl" scenario. I don't think it's beneficial to exempt anyone—women included—from moral standards. I think we should all agree that there are good reasons to get married and bad reasons; honorable ways of acquiring money and dishonorable.
People who pray for the hearing of others - It's a pet peeve of mine when you can tell that someone is praying for the people listening and not just talking to God. You can tell when someone is actually just making a speech, and it gets on my nerves. Maybe some people really do pray to God like that in private, but when you start adding clauses that are clearly for the benefit of the humans in the room, it starts feeling performative.
Who do you say I am? - A third Pastor Payton inspired thought! Jesus asks the disciples this question, and today Payton challenged us to consider it for ourselves. We might know who Jesus is on paper, but who is he in our lives, personally. I just added this note today so my subconscious hasn't even had time to consider it yet, but at least this means I'm almost to the end of the Blog note.
My April 14 story - Many Christians have a God-encounter that changed them forever, and mine happened on April 14, 2014 as I listened to the song "In My Arms" by Dead by April driving back to college. I was going through a devastating breakup and I felt like God was saying those exact words to me. They genuinely changed my brain chemistry that day and I've never been the same since. That day, I knew that I could trust God with my whole heart, and even though trust is a constant struggle for me, my soul is certain that I can, and that sustains me at all times.
Whew. I feel so much better now that this list has been tackled. I know the ideas that I want to explore more, and the ideas that were satisfied with a few sentences have been identified and crossed off.
If you're still here, you deserve a medal 🤣 (And if there's anything you want me to write more about, I'd love for you to let me know!)
~ Stephanie
