Fighting Mysticism

Like most kids, I loved the idea of magic. Like some kids, I wasn't allowed to get very into it.

Things that were off limits included Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh!, Dragon Tales, That's So Raven (sometimes), and Avatar: The Last Airbender (this might've been because we didn't have cable and it didn't come up much), and Harry Potter. I also never believed in Santa et al, though those weren't "bad" or "dangerous"; my dad just felt strongly about being honest there.

I have mixed feelings about the principle of forbidding/restricting "magic" for children. On one hand, it was really sad and annoying not to be able to participate in pop culture, especially when, to me, the rational was weak and fear-based at best. I think possibly, on principle, I disagree with characterizing all magic as Satanic and wrong.

On the other hand, my parents might've—almost by complete accident—been right about me in particular.

Unlike most kids, I never fully grew out of the "magic" stage. We'll never know whether that's because I didn't get to have that stage as a child, or because it's just the way I am. My guess is that it's just the way I am, because I know lots of people raised the way I was who don't seem to struggle.

Or it could be Door #3: what I wrestle with now is actually independent from my attraction to magic as a child. What I wrestle with now is more what I'd call "mysticism": moon phases, the power of stones, chakras, astrology, that kind of thing.

It's not like I fell into the occult for a while and now have to watch myself; I've never fallen into the occult. But that's not by accident. I have to be careful.

If you know me well, you know I can always tell you when the next full moon is. I'm fascinated by the way full moons seem to affect human behavior. Emergency rooms boom during full moons. When I was in middle school, I noticed that the class days around—or especially ON—a full moon were wildly more talkative, funnier, stranger. (You probably noticed this, but we had a Friday the Thirteenth that coincided with a full moon in September.)

I'm fascinated by the alleged properties of different stones. Amethyst is supposed to promote relaxation and insight. Peridot is supposed to help you let go of negative emotions. Onyx is supposed to yield confidence and protection.

I'm fascinated by chakras and I barely know anything about them at all.

I'm fascinated by people's signs and seeing how their astrological profile matches or describes them, myself included. I've only ever dated Leos. Coincidence?

Actually YES. This stuff isn't real. (Although, y'all, the moon thing. What is that about?)

And then if it isn't real, why is it dangerous? What's the big deal?

Confusingly enough, I'm not here to make a case for or against mysticism. I'm here to admit a place where I struggle. I'm here to say that I would love to get a moon phase tattoo, but that feels like glorifying something other than God, so I don't. I would love to buy and wear stones that correspond to something I think I need, but I don't, because God is everything I need. I would love to analyze my and everyone else's signs and dig into what they mean, but I don't, because the stars have nothing to do with who we are.

I've mostly avoided researching chakras because I don't know where that would lead my mind. That sounds silly, but I know myself. I know how deeply I love and desire "magic" in an ungodly sense.

Are these things actually Satanic or wrong? I don't know. Maybe rocks are just rocks and chakras are made up, but I know things CAN be dangerous if you follow the dark side of the path long enough. I know spiritual warfare is real. Satan and demons are real, and they are more happy to let you choose the door through which they enter.

I'm inclined to think that this level of mysticism is "gateway magic" the same way marijuana is demonized as a "gateway drug": Not all marijuana smokers become drug addicts, but most drug addicts started with marijuana. Not all people who play with gems and astrology become dark magicians, but most dark magicians started with the "silly" stuff.

Knowing myself, I think it's better that I grow faith in what I truly believe before I allow myself to explore anything mystical, even from the standpoint of curiosity. I hope that one day I can safely investigate this in a way that honors God.

~Stephanie

"That Hurt My Feelings": Part 2

For context and part one, I would highly recommend reading "'That Hurt My Feelings' Part 1." If you don't have time for that, here's what happened in a nutshell: This podcast about songs written for the Enneagram types blew my mind with the revelation that my whole life I've just been "open" when I thought I was being "vulnerable."

I'm an Enneagram type Eight: passionate, assertive, dedicated to justice, and terrified of betrayal. The second podcast quote/concept that brought me up short was this:

2) "This word 'vulnerability' comes from the Latin word for 'wound,' and to be vulnerable means to be 'wound-able'..."

Somewhere in the podcast—or maybe it's just implied, because I can't find it right now—Chris talks about how difficult it is for Eights to confess when they've been hurt, to say the words, "Hey, that hurt my feelings."

My actual reaction:

Wait, I thought, feeling slightly panicked. Do other people actually TELL PEOPLE when they've been hurt?! Do other people say, "Hey, that hurt my feelings?!" Past the age of, like, five?

I don't do that. I do NOT do that. The concept is foreign, uncomfortable, and slightly ridiculous to me. Why would someone do that? Why would you walk up to the Indians* and say, "Hey, here are some guns, and by the way I don't wear armor on my back."

I vividly remember the handful of times people have come to me and said, "Hey, when you did X, it really hurt my feelings."

I feel like they've just pulled their pants down in the middle of the mall. I feel like asking them if they know they said that out loud. I feel like they've just handed me an endangered aquatic animal and I'm holding it, dripping, out in the air, afraid it might die at any second but, like, there's not an ocean around, so what am I supposed to do with it?

To my memory, I have only ever told one person that he hurt my feelings, and it was Gabe, and it was in the past six months, and I remember it feeling really, really weird.

[I feel like I need to add that I genuinely don't get hurt very often. It is very hard to offend me personally. I was an English major, and we basically major in putting ourselves out there and having someone (constructively) criticize us. I am all about "breaking bones til they're better." But...apparently this isn't because I'm good at being vulnerable; it's because my collection of vulnerabilities is guarded deeper and better than most.]

Yesterday at regular small group, the concept of vulnerability came up AGAIN, and that coupled with the Sleeping At Last podcast had Gabe, Cassidy, and me talking about this revelation on the way home.

I told them about my revelation of openness versus vulnerability, and told them that I wanted to work on this, but that I didn't know how. I've always thought I was being vulnerable, but it turns out I've just been open. So what IS vulnerability, and how do I do it?

They said some things, and gave examples, but I was all like, "Yeah, I don't mind sharing that at all. That must not be vulnerable for me?"

Gabe suggested, "It would be like—and this is just a really concrete example—going up to someone and saying, 'Hey, here are some things that would make me really sad or really bother me. Just so you know.'"

"Okay..." I said slowly, fighting back the inner screams of WHY WOULD SOMEONE EVER DO THAT?

"It would be things you don't want people to know," Cassidy said. "Like weaknesses or fears."

"Okay..." Some very specific thoughts and ideas came to mind. "Okay, I'm starting to get some. And...maybe I'm not ready to vulnerable because I definitely don't want to say them."

As a Four and a Nine, they didn't push.

This post does not end in my being vulnerable. Not today. Today you just get some more openness. But I'm aware of the difference now, and I'm beginning to approach it.

Actually, here's something that feels a little vulnerable, because I have not wanted to tell you: If you want to know me on a level I'm not entirely comfortable sharing, I'd suggest listening to the Sleeping At Last podcast on the song "Eight."

~Stephanie

* Don't come at me with the PC police. I'm just going off the idiom of "selling guns to the Indians."

Meat Rationing

Gabe and I are good at a lot of things. Consistently eating leftovers is not one of them.

When we first got married, we didn't have a regular grocery shopping day.

Today, that thought blows my mind. Did we just wait until we had no food in the apartment, and sometimes that happened on a Thursday, sometimes a Monday?

I also remember not planning meals ahead of time, which—again—blows my mind now. I would buy general ingredients, and then decide what to cook on a daily basis. In addition to causing me stress when I had to meal plan every twenty-four hours, this caused us to waste a lot of food. Veggies would wilt before we used them; we'd have too much chicken left over and end up throwing it away.

Now, Tuesday is grocery day and I go to the store knowing what I'm going to cook every night so that we buy only what we need. But those changes have been in effect for years. I want to talk about the latest evolution in money-saving meal planning.

(This isn't even a tip for people—just a step in my Becoming journey—because I'm fairly sure I'm the last person on earth to have this revelation XD)

Only cook the meat you need, and freeze the rest.

For some people, this might not work the best because they will actually eat leftovers or do meal prep. However for us, it has been a game changer.

We rotate through several different proteins: chicken, ground beef, ham, ground turkey, eggs, sausage. I used to cook a whole pound of ground beef if the two of us were having tacos. We would never eat all the meat, and would rarely remember to go back and eat the random serving of taco meat left over. I used to cook the whole half ham thing when we had ham. Same deal.

Lately, I've experimented with just about halving the amount of meat I cook per meal. Somehow—maybe it's a loaves and fishes thing because God knows we're poor again—we feel no less full, and our meat budget goes twice as far.

Doing this, I rarely have to buy more than one or two types of protein a week, and yet we still eat four or five types throughout that week. This change, along with other similar food prep changes (using what we need, freezing the rest), have cut our grocery bill by about 15%.

I know this is a small thing, but it makes me feel strangely empowered when I save us money and keep our lifestyle good. It makes me feel like a Proverbs 31 woman.

And who wouldn't want that?!

~Stephanie

"That Hurt My Feelings": Part 1

I'm gonna need you to stick with me through this one. It's going somewhere—honest—and I already split it in half from what it was originally, so you're welcome.

The Enneagram* has really taken off in my life and the lives of those closest to me. We have been having revelations left and right, unlike anything I've ever experienced. If you know me, you know that my entire life has been a quest for personal revelations and indications of how to grow better, almost (definitely? See below.) to the point of being obnoxious.

[Tangental Story: When I was 12 or 13 years old, I had three best friends: my sister Sarah, Jesse, and Ellie. We were close for lots of reasons (one of them being The Fire Fairy Story, which soon may have a hyperlink, because I think it's creeping back into my Becoming journey). Lately we'd been having issues of the typical petty, hormonal type, and I was done with it. I literally SAT US ALL DOWN and made everyone go around in a circle and tell something that bothered them about all the other people. My intention was to get everything out in the open so that we could deal with it, grow, and become stronger friends. However, this is when I learned that not everyone jives with this sort of confrontation. Everyone ended up mad at each other, no one wanted to work through things, and they still give me a good-natured hard time about "Stephanie's bashing circle" to this day XD]

Okay, wow, that really was a tangent. I'm supposed to be talking about being vulnerable. Maybe I'm stalling? Or maybe there's just so much context needed to do this subject justice.

I'm an Enneagram type Eight. Eights are passionate, assertive, dedicated to justice, and terrified of betrayal.

Since I last wrote about the Enneagram, I've been introduced to the "band" (it's just one guy, kind of like Owl City) Sleeping At Last and his Enneagram project (thanks, Garrett!). This man, Ryan, did months of intense research about each Enneagram type and wrote a song for each. Because every facet of each song is engineered to reflect its Enneagram type, he also has a podcast where he unpacks the elements of each song, from the lyrics, to the tempo, to the instruments, to the random "fingerprint" sounds buried in the music.

Throughout this commentary, an Enneagram expert named Chris has segments where he unpacks each type a little bit. Gabe and I listened to the podcast on his type (Four) and my type (Eight) in the car last weekend. There was a lot of blushing and side-eyeing each other when the nail was hit so squarely on the head we felt it almost physically. [Cassidy has since started listening to the podcast on her type (Nine) and is, and I quote, "shook."]

A LOT (most? all?) of the things said about Eights resonated with me, but one concept stuck out above all the rest. It can be broken into two quotes from the podcast, one of which I'm covering in this post:

1) "For [an Eight], the first lesson, and maybe the hardest lesson, is this movement from transparency to vulnerability."

I heard this podcast three days after my ladies' small group leader, Lindsay, had dropped a bomb that she probably didn't even see land on me:

"I'm very good at being open," she said in passing. "But I'm not good at being vulnerable."

If I'd been mentally walking along, this stopped me in my tracks.

Wait, those are DIFFERENT?! I screamed in my head.

My whole life, I've assumed I was great at being vulnerable. I've assumed vulnerability was something I didn't struggle with at all. I am perfectly comfortable talking about things that make most people squirm. If you ask me, I'll tell you intimate details about literally anything. This blog (and all the others I've had throughout the years) is full of my being what I thought was "vulnerable," but turns out is just "open" or "transparent."

Then I got to thinking: if all I've ever done is be open, do I even know how to be vulnerable?

And the answer, I think, is "no." Or, better, "not yet."

In Part 2, I'm digging into the conversation with Gabe and Cassidy that followed this self-revelation, and the second quote from the podcast that mentally stopped me in my tracks.

~Stephanie

* If you want to find out your Enneagram type, YOU MUST READ (at least a little) ABOUT ALL NINE TYPES AND FIGURE IT OUT FOR YOURSELF. Internet quizzes WILL NOT tell you your type. I have actually removed the hyperlink to an internet quiz in my original Enneagram post because it proved so ineffective at helping my friends, family, and self identify our types.

Supplement Suggestions

Before we dive in, let me be clear, lest my employers think they pay me too much:

Do I love and recommend all of these supplements? Yes.

Do I buy them all regularly? Absolutely not.

But here are the supplements that I've really enjoyed over the course of my amateur fitness journey, in case you're looking to try something new.

Bowmar Nutrition
Protein powders in this order: Blueberry Cheesecake, Birthday Cake, Frosted Cookie. (Those are the only three flavors I've tried.)
Price: 1lb tub is $35; 5lb tub is $70 (If anyone ever wants to go halfsies on one of these, lemme know.)

Collagen: Good for joints, hair, skin, and nails, and it's a little extra protein for you.
Price: $35 per tub

Pros: The Bowmars are SERIOUS about their quality. (I follow them on social media.) They will not put out anything they're not completely satisfied with, and they have incredibly high standards. The products aren't cheap, but they are not overpriced. They also have really creative-but-still-appealing flavors, including Key Lime Pie, Caramel Apple, Dulce De Leche.

Cons: The products are very expensive, and Sarah Bowmar's personality is really abrasive and hard to take. I think maybe she's one of those people who are shy so they come off really nasty and sarcastic to avoid getting hurt? Or maybe she's just a Yankee (sorry, Yankees)? She swears that she's actually nice, and also a Christian, but I gotta say, she would not win me over for Jesus.

Random Recipe: 3-Ingredient Protein Pancakes:
- 1/2 tsp. of baking powder
- 1 egg
- 1 scoop of protein powder

Scivation
Blue Raspberry BCAAs: To be fair, these are the only BCAAs (branched-chain amino acids, which help with muscle recovery) I've ever tried.
Price: $20, on Amazon.

Pros: Insanely delicious. Makes working out more enjoyable because you get to drink this between sets.

Cons: Honestly, I don't know if these help me with muscle recovery or not, but I also don't take the "recommended dose" (one scoop's worth drunk during your workout, one scoop's worth drunk after your workout) because I'm too cheap to go through the tub that quickly.

1st Phorm
Opti-Greens 50: Opti-Greens has 11 servings of vegetables per serving. Gabe and I only do half a serving each because we're poor, and honestly 11 servings a day seems like overkill.

Price: $60 a tub

Pros:
1) Tastes pretty good for powdered grass. I'd say it tastes like unsweet green tea with a hint of berry.
2) This is also THE ONLY SUPPLEMENT GABE WILL TAKE. He says all protein powders "taste like protein" (what does that even mean?) and even declared the BCAAs above were "too sweet." Are you kidding me?
3) Works beautiful voodoo on bloating and digestion.

Cons: Extremely expensive.

Let me know if you try any and like them, or have other suggestions to share!

~Stephanie

Getting/Wearing Glasses

I've had 20/15 vision most of my life.

I've never not been able to see or read something. It was very convenient, and something I was a little proud of. As a bookworm and person who feels strongly about seeing the truth—both philosophically and literally—losing perfect eyesight sounded like an actual nightmare.

Then, last fall, I got the news.

I now qualify for the world's tiniest prescription XD

First, I was indignant (and still am, a little). Nothing is blurry; nothing ever has been, so...?

The eye doctor explained that while my vision was still pretty much perfect, my eyes were working REALLY hard to give that to me. He asked questions like,

"Do you sometimes get headaches, especially toward the end of the day? Is driving at night a little harder?"

And I was like:

How dare he make accurate predictions that contradict my delusions of visual goddess-ery?

But, I do pretty much read for a living—and on a computer, at that—so I decided to go ahead and get the small prescription with a blue light blocker. Best to take great care of my eyes while I'm young, right?

Then came the fun part of picking out glasses, and listening to the sales guy flatter me into believing the nerdy frames I wanted were a "bold, fun choice."

Then came the week or so wait for them to come in. By this point I was actually a little excited. Glasses for when my eyes were tired or I felt like looking nerdy; no glasses for when I didn't feel like wearing them, because my eyesight was still actually fine. Best of both worlds.

I went to pick up the glasses. I put them on in front of the salespeople, secretly wondering if maybe my vision was worse than I realized and I was about to be catapulted into a crystal-clear world I'd never experienced before. The frames settled on my nose, and...

The world went blurry.

Cue disappointment and more indignation.

The salespeople were clearly also waiting for me to enter a crystal-clear world I'd never experienced before, and met me with equal—though more professional—disappointment and indignation.

"Sometimes it takes a while for your eyes to adjust," the lady said. "Wear them for 4–6 hours a day for a week or so and see if it gets better."

I left the eye doctor surprisingly bummed for a person who didn't actually want glasses.

After a week of wearing them, things were still blurry, so I went back. They said my eyes weren't making the adjustment, so they were going to cut this "correct" prescription in half and let my eyes get used to that, then work them up to the full thing.

I had mixed feelings about this. I wasn't sure if I even wanted my eyes to get used to glasses. If they did, wouldn't that mean that the world would look better and clearer with them, and therefore worse and blurrier any time I didn't feel like wearing my glasses? I asked the doctors and salespeople this question a lot, and no one seemed to want to give me a straight answer, probably because the answer was "Yes. That is true."

Finally, the doctor answered the question, saying that getting or not getting glasses probably wouldn't affect me drastically. It was probably a matter of adjusting my vision timeline by three to five years. Instead of really needing glasses at age 38, maybe I'd need them at 35.

I could live with that.

I got the halved prescription and allowed my eyes to adjust to them. I'm wearing my adorably nerdy glasses as I type this, and have as I've typed all my posts. I usually wear them when I read, when I'm going to be scrolling through my phone for a while, and when I work on the computer. I can still see fine without my glasses, but I'm more comfortable with them.

I guess I've come to terms with the fact that my body isn't going to be young forever. I know that sounds dramatic coming from a twenty-five-year-old, but you know it's true. I already can't function on five hours of sleep like I used to be able to. One day I won't be able to read without my glasses.

I'll just have to believe that when that day comes, I'll be able to adjust.

Or maybe Jesus will come back before then and spare me XD

~Stephanie

Giving Up Dance (for now!) and Other Scheduling Strategies

The past two years have been too busy.

Between the two of us, Gabe and I have had six jobs in the last two years, and for most of the time, it was four at once. Gabe's also a full-time chemical engineering student and we like to be involved in our church. For the first year of marriage, we had basically zero friends. I was really lonely. I cried a lot. Then, a couple of years ago, we finally found our people, and things got better deep down—where it counts—but worse near the surface. We were busier than ever, stretched so thin we couldn't enjoy most things.

Honestly, I look back over the past twenty-four months and it's proof that God exists. We could not have done all that we did without some kind of supernatural blessing and grace.

This year, we've felt convicted to stop living a life so slammed that we can't enjoy it or pour into others or be spontaneous.

I gave up teaching dance for this year, which was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I have danced every year since I was three years old—until now. I love dance in a way I don't love anything else except maybe words. I already cannot wait to go back.

But I am also shocked at how much it was the right decision. Teaching dance was only 1–2 nights a week, but the amount of physical and mental energy it took—especially during choreography season in the spring—was apparently unfathomable XD Minus that one weekly commitment, I feel like a new person. It opened my week up wider than a Tuesday night should've been capable of.

Our church has also been sprinkling in the idea of prayerful planning over the past year. Our pastor said something a few weeks ago that has stuck with me: "If you get to the end of the day and you didn't finish your to-do list, then you probably had stuff on that there that God didn't put there."

We're trying a new system this year. We set boundaries about how busy we're allowed to be (e.g., two Saturdays a month, we don't have plans), and started keeping a family calendar. We sit down at the beginning of the month and write down our commitments. We try to leave enough room so that when someone says, "Hey, do you want to have dinner Thursday night?" we can say yes more often. At the risk of sounding holier-than-thou, we're trying to ask God what he wants our month to look like. Is X plan going to glorify God? 

So far, it feels. so. good.

I feel like I can be present rather than spent. Excited, rather than anxious. There are whole evenings where we can read, or watch TV, or talk. We can be happy to see people at church rather than literally already so over it the second we see another human. We can actually look forward to plans rather than dread that we're busy yet again.

We have a long way to go, and who knows if we will stick to this method, but right now it feels like a really good change.

If you feel like you're too busy with good things, consider cutting something out—when you can. (It drove me so crazy when people would tell me, "You're just doing too much. You need to quit something" and I'd be like, "Okay sure, so which of the three contractually-bound employment obligations should I violate?" XD Consider cutting something out when you can: legally, emotionally, and physically.)

~Stephanie

Qutting the Pill: Update

WARNING: This post contains detail about girl bodies and cycles. If you're a guy, the post may be irrelevant, unhelpful, and/or uncomfortable, but you're welcome to soldier on.

Saturday, September 7

"Should've" taken the pill and didn't.

Sunday, September 8

Experienced near-migraine-level headaches for a few minutes at a time sporadically throughout the day.

Monday, September 9

Woke up at 2:30am in the fetal position, holding my splitting head. Tried to wait it out, but needed to get to sleep because I was directing Challenge B the next day. Took naproxen sodium.

Exactly eight hours later, when the medicine wore off, the headache came back a little, but I was able to resist taking more pain medicine.

Tuesday, September 10

More sporadic, painful headaches.

My mind feels slightly thinner, like something thick and clunky has been discarded. I feel good, more "myself." Not sure if it was just a good mood or something legitimately hormonal.

Wednesday, September 11–current (Wednesday, October 2)

No headaches! They have not returned since this. I'll never know if it was the birth control "withdrawal" or not, but I think it probably was.

Tuesday, September 17–Friday, September 27

Starting to experience some breast and nipple soreness. Doing jumpy exercises is uncomfortable.

Tuesday, September 17

Had some weird discharge. "Weird" because I forgot I used to get that before the pill. Definitely did not miss that these past three years.

Feeling more in touch with my sexuality. Hadn't been in a particularly sexy place for a while, but...feeling it.

Wednesday, September 18

Discharge continues.

Skin isn't looking great. A few small pimples pop up in places that I usually have trouble. Liberally apply The Body Shop's good ol' tea tree target gel.

Continuing to feel, as Rachel Green would say, "erotically charged."

Thursday, September 19

Still charged.

Do some research about discharge, find out 1) I'm probably ovulating for the first time in three years (yay, the pill didn't break me!), and 2) women typically feel more "in the mood" while they're ovulating, so that explains that as well.

Friday, September 20–Saturday, September 21

Nothing to report.

Sunday, September 22

Feel really bloated. Jeans I bought a few weeks ago don't fit the way they did when I bought them?

Monday, September 23

Still bloated.

Mellow Mushroom pizza tastes horrible one bite, delicious the next. Start to be paranoid about being pregnant.

Tuesday, September 24–Wednesday, September 25

Skin is looking mostly normal. Pimples may not have had anything to do with coming off the pill.

Still bloated.

Thursday, September 26

Still bloated. Entertaining the possibility that my summer diet is just catching up with me.

Take a pregnancy test to put my mind at ease about the bloating and breast soreness and changing food preferences.

Not pregnant.

Friday, September 27
Consider washing my hair a day early because it's greasier than usual. Realize that it would actually be TWO days earlier. Wonder if going off the pill is causing that?

Saturday, September 28
Some cramping.

End up not starting my period.

Sunday, September 29–Tuesday, October 1
Text Gabe from the bathroom: "'I'm not pregnant!' *said from the fetal position*"

Looks like the pill didn't break me and I could bounce back right away if I needed/wanted to, so that's good to know should we decide that period suck more than we're willing to put up with until we're ready to start trying, because...

Forgot how much real periods SUCK. Won't go into detail here, but girls who aren't on the pill know what I'm talking about. Alllllllll the wonderful stuff I'm talking about.

Wednesday, October 2
Period ends. Not sure if all of them will be this short—they were five or six days before taking the pill—but certainly wouldn't mind if they are.

Summary So Far:

Quitting the pill has affected me very little. While I think the headaches, breast tenderness, and ovulation are related to stopping, the other things may very well be normal and I'm just paying extra close attention to everything.

Not having to do something at 9:00 every single night is nice.

Periods suck so much. The pain and inconvenience had really faded in my mind after having super light, 2-day periods for three years. Reality hurts.

~Stephanie

The Enneagram

To be honest, I don't want to say too much on this, for a couple of reasons.

1) While I've done some research and reading, I'm not educated enough to give you the insight I think everyone should have.

2) If I allowed myself, this post could easily become too long.

What is the enneagram?
It's a nine-pointed shape. It's an ancient (think "B.C.") theory that there are nine basic personality types that relate to each other in a specific pattern. It has been used and proven for thousands of years. It has been used and proven in the lives of many people I know, including mine and Gabe's—and Gabe is an avid hater of personality tests and theories (he's a self-diagnosed Four).

"Enneagram." Isn't that Satanic?
1) Lots of strong Christians use this.
2) Possibly lots of strong Satanists use it too; I don't know any personally.
3) While it definitely sounds suspect, the enneagram is just a descriptive tool for understanding yourself and others. It does not claim to have any magical powers or ask you to do anything with its information. I'm sure it can be taken to an extreme or held up as an idol, but I'm not sure how the information itself could be Satanic or dangerous.

It also doesn't have to be in a shape. You can write the information down in list-form if it makes you feel better.

If I come across a little aggressive and passionate here, bear with me. I've learned that I'm probably an Eight.

Could you stop saying numbers and tell me how this works?
There are nine different personality types. You are one of them. Each person might also have a "wing," which is one of the numbers on either side of the person's main number. I've said that I'm Eight, and I think I might have a Seven wing. This means that while I'm mostly Eight, sometimes I have characteristics of a Seven.

Each personality type has a "stress" and a "security" number as well. When Eights are feeling stressed, they tend to take on the negative characteristics of a Two. When Eights are feeling secure, they tend to take on the positive characteristics of a Five.

All this info is more easily grasped in the dreaded, Satanic-looking enneagram shape (different people have different titles for the types):

How do I find out my type?
If you're interested, there are internet quizzes to help you figure out which number you might be. However, my dad (yes, the Baptist pastor) recommended that I read books on the topic so that I can understand the numbers and figure myself out, rather than have an algorithm tell me what I am.

So far I've used The Road Back to You: An Enneagram Journey to Self-Discovery* by Ian Cron and Suzanne Stabile, and The Enneagram: A Christian Perspective by Richard Rohr and Andreas Ebert. I've also listened to the podcast for The Road Back to You.

How does it help?
At the end of each Type's chapter in The Road Back to You, there is a short list of suggestions for how that type can grow. Two of the suggestions for me were "Watch out for and avoid black-and-white thinking. Gray is an actual color" and "You don't have a corner on the truth market. In the heat of battle, stop and ask yourself, What if I'm wrong? Say that a hundred times a day."

Spot. On. Advice XD

After doing some reading himself, Gabe believes he's a Four. Knowing that, I can read about the way Fours think (or, more accurately, "feel") and love him better.

Identifying our types has already affected our marriage positively. Gabe understands better that my knee-jerk reactions sound like anger, even when I'm not actually angry, and that I push just to see who will push back. I understand better that he doesn't "have" feelings, but more is feelings, and when he doesn't explain himself, it isn't just because he won't, but often because he can't.

Who cares?
Maybe not you, and that's okay. In my very-newly-formed opinion, the enneagram is most helpful for understanding yourself: how you've been coming across your whole life, where your weak or blind spots are, and how you can grow to be the you that God created you to be.

I do not think it's a tool for putting people into boxes or giving yourself an honorary degree in psychology. While I enjoyed wondering about the Types of people in my life, I don't think I can tell them what their number is. You can watch someone's eating habits and make an educated guess about their favorite foods, but if someone replies, "Actually, brownies aren't my favorite," you have no right to retort, "Yeah they are. I read a book about food."

Only you can decide and own your number. You'll probably know it when you reach a Type description that makes you wince.

~Stephanie

* This book does lean left, mainly just in some of its anecdotes. I'm a conservative and was able to look past that, but be aware of that going in. Don't let two authors' political opinions turn you off from the enneagram.