This Might Might Be Completely and Utterly a "Me" Problem

As happens a lot, I had a revelation about three quarters of the way through this post, which resulted in a totally unexpected worldview shift. Come along for the journey below 😂

I've been procrastinating a blog topic for a while now because...well, for two reasons. 1) It's a big topic. It's going to require a lot of thinking/processing/wrestling, and I haven't felt like doing that. 2) People are going to have Opinions, and I don't need them. It'd be too harsh to say I don't care about people's opinions, it's just that they won't factor into what I decide to do. In a way it feels misleading to blog about this (especially if I'm going to share the link to Facebook) and also be disinterested in conversation about the topic.

Okay, so what is the topic? My postpartum philosophy/plans.

There are two extremes and a million happy mediums in between. The two extremes: Bounce Back Boss Babe, and Healing Hibernating Hippie.

Bounce Back Boss Babe
You birth your baby and as quickly and seamlessly as possible get back on your feet cooking, cleaning, running errands, and taking your trendily dressed baby with you on light jogs.

- Very appealing from a pride standpoint—people will comment on how you have it all together, you can fake making motherhood look easy
- Required to some degree by American society. Even my company—which I LOVE working for and relies on family culture—only provides two weeks of paid maternity leave.
- What I saw growing up—especially from my dance teachers. They danced until they went into labor, and then sometimes performed in the recital like a week or two postpartum. Talk about #goals...right?

Healing Hibernating Hippie
Postpartum is treated as a sacred transitional time, where the mother is shielded from all strain and responsibility for weeks, fed in a way that prioritizes her healing, and cautioned against hosting visitors.

- Very appealing from a holistic, body-respectful standpoint—the first forty days of postpartum can allegedly make or break your entire experience of new motherhood
- Unquestionably accepted, nearly enforced, in many Eastern and Native American cultures.
- Radically different from anything I've ever seen anyone do. Granted, most women's postpartum experiences are pretty private (another Western thing), so I don't really know their approaches, but I'm guessing they didn't have a team making every single meal or keeping them warm around the clock.

I just started reading a book called The First Forty Days. I registered for it thinking that it was a cookbook on how to nourish a new mother, and it is...but around the first 55% is actually more philosophical. It's sparked a lot of feelings for me, most of which are summed up in this text to Cassidy:

It's probably that last sentence that really gets me. As a child, I was often told that I was lazy and selfish, which I've blogged about before. Although everyone in my life now tries to reassure me that that isn't true, internalized beliefs are hard to shift. Plus, both sides of my personality would like me to choose the Boss Babe approach to postpartum, albeit for different reasons.

The ENFJ in me desperately wants to behave in the most socially appropriate, commendable way. She doesn't want to be labeled as demanding or inconsiderate; she doesn't want people to talk about her behind her back; she doesn't want to ask more of her village than she has done for others. Yes, I've brought friends a meal or two—but I've also held the baby and watched the new mother do dishes or fold laundry, which is a huge No No in the Hibernating Hippie approach.

The Eight in me desperately wants to show the world how tough and capable I am. Due to sheer luck and the grace of God, I've had an extremely healthy, easy pregnancy. The Eight wants to carry that into postpartum and motherhood, proving that my mind and body are exceptionally strong. Not only does she shirk asking for help (something in common with the ENFJ), she shirks the idea of even needing it.

To be honest, I think I could get the Eight on board easier than the ENFJ. The Eight understands that the body keeps the score. Nourish the body and everything else becomes easier. I also really WANT to embrace the Hibernating Hippie approach, and the Eight thrives on fighting for what I want, even when it might make people annoyed or gossipy.

But I know that community is a powerful factor in motherhood, and community is the ENFJ's domain. She's the one who maintains and repairs relationship, and monitors when I'm being too "extra."

Obviously there are a million shades of medium between the Boss Babe and the Hibernating Hippie, and I'm sure I'll color myself accordingly when the time comes. It's just...modern American culture kinda sucks. I've been thinking so when it comes to religion for a long time, and now I'm learning that the suck extends to postpartum expectations too.

Gabe and I have an INCREDIBLE village, people who have already told us that they want to help in whatever way is most helpful and that they never want us to feel alone.

So...I am just now realizing that this might be completely and utterly a Me problem. No one has told me that I'm "extra." I've already said that people insist that I'm not lazy or selfish.

Wait, is the problem with postpartum that moms often can't make themselves ASK for help, not that their villages wouldn't show up?

*stares out the window for several seconds*

Is my real problem the vulnerability element? I don't want to appear weak or look disheveled in front of people? I don't want to be the first mom in my millennial circle to embrace a more traditional postpartum philosophy?

Well damn, now the Eight is really perking up. She might even be ready to take on the ENFJ.

I guess get ready for me to ask you for meals and help with chores cuz...we might be doing this.

~Stephanie

Boundaries and Fe: A Match Made in Hell

You may remember me writing about striving for healthier boundaries XD In June, I read Boundaries, Gabe and I had a life-planning weekend trip, and I committed to holding several specific boundaries for the next six months, June to January.

Well, boundaries are difficult to adhere to, and I haven't been doing a great job. I think the main reason is that I have an unhealthy relationship with other peoples' feelings and opinions.

As a kid I was labeled "lazy." I was also labeled "selfish." As a kid, neither label bothered me. People could label me all day long and I'd continue being/doing largely what I wanted. However, somewhere along the line I became interested in self-improvement, and all the labels started mattering to me. I leaned into my ENFJ, away from my Eight, and decided to make other people the most important thing, to overcompensate for naturally being "so selfish."

My MBTI type is an "extroverted Feeling type." The primary way I see the world is by registering other peoples' feelings. (How *I* feel is so far down the list of factors that I often can't figure it out even when I'm trying. It feels like the absolute least important factor of any scenario, because I know I can handle feeling whatever/anything*.)

For me, this means that during dance class, I'm consumed with the fact that one person in the group isn't getting the choreography and is feeling embarrassed about it. At church, I can't hear what the speaker is saying over the roar of how he accidentally made someone in the second row feel silly. At movie nights, I can't focus on the film because of how much the person on my left dislikes someone across the room. When I accidentally take someone's seat, I feel how awkward THEY feel having to deal with it. When Person A recommends a book to Person B and Person B doesn't care, all I can worry about is how Person A must be feeling.

Now, before this starts sounding selfless and angelic, I need you to know that it's not XD Just because I'm in tune with other peoples' feelings doesn't necessarily mean I'm sympathetic. It might mean I'm annoyed because it's distracting. It might mean I feel like I'm being manipulated when I'm absolutely not.

And being others-focused can also be a form of self-focus: how are others feeling about ME? Do they think I look bad in this outfit? Did they expect me to be more interesting than I am? Do they think my shifting priorities as a Christian are a sign of succumbing to "the world"? Some things don't get factored in—like I'll never care that you think I shouldn't have tattoos or listen to metal—but other things are impossible to ignore. 

Recently on a trip, I found myself so wrapped up in what others were thinking and feeling that I couldn't focus on anything else. I tried to stop, wanted to see how long I could go before I was consumed by the wants/needs/opinions/feelings of others. I literally couldn't go, like, a couple of minutes. It was all I could focus on.

One of the things I committed to doing until January was not going to church while I heal from "shoulding," unless I felt specifically called to go one week. Well, I've been doing a horrible job of that.

I skipped a couple of weeks, people would ask Gabe where I was or text me saying they missed me, but then there would be a church function I needed to be at, or Gabe wouldn't be able to attend one week and I felt like at least one of us should be there, or blah blab blah and I'd end up going. Then I'd go another week in a row. And I could imagine the people around me thinking, "Okay good, I'm glad she's gotten whatever it was out of her system and she's back now."

Well, I shouldn't be. I still need to be gone. My boundaries and my feelings are too messed up for me to return in a healthy manner right now. I know that. God knows that. Gabe knows that. My therapist knows that.

But other people don't, and their thoughts/feelings/opinions are all. I. Can. Register.

It's not other peoples' fault. They aren't manipulating me or guilting me or projecting onto me. No, *I* am the one taking on other peoples' stuff when I shouldn't. Other peoples' opinions of me are none of my business. Other peoples' feelings about me are not within my boundaries to control. They can think/do/say/feel whatever is natural for them and that doesn't have to affect me.

In theory.

This is really hard for me. I don't want people to walk on eggshells around me or worry about me**. I don't want other people to DO anything; they don't even have to be understanding or kind. They can be whatever, and I can be whatever, and we'll all work on our own stuff, the stuff that's within our own boundary lines.

I still believe in community and accountability and not making a brother stumble and a bunch of other stuff that probably feels contradictory to some of this, but that's another post (or five).

I dunno. All this to say: boundary work is hard, I guess.

~Stephanie

* Emotionally. Physically, a hangnail will take me out.

** So why am I vomiting this onto the internet? Partly because writing is the best way I can access my own thoughts and feelings, partly because these posts seem to be helping other people wrestle through their own stuff, partly because I'm a validation-seeking millennial. You can assign the percentages however you want.

The Only Reason You Should Read This is If You Want to Know About the War Inside My Brain

And possibly to become aware of the one inside your own.

Y'all know I've gotten a lot out of the Enneagram. It's been the biggest game changer for Gabe's and my growth in communication. It's helped us have a lot of moments where we go, "Ohhh, you're not mean/stupid/weak/oblivious, you're just seeing this in a completely different way than I am, and THAT'S why this is so painful/annoying/infuriating/confusing. Why don't you try to see X, and I'll try to see Y, and let's try this again."

I'm an Enneagram Eight, which means my core fear is betrayed or controlled; my most accessible emotion is anger; and I prefer to make decisions based on gut instinct, followed closely by reason, and I have to reach much deeper down to access my heart/feelings.

However, I've actually struggled a lot which whether I'm really an eight. Gabe and Cassidy are sure that I am, and their combined knowledge of me + the Enneagram leads me to believe they're right.

But I am so unlike other Eights.

Enneagram is cool because it allows for lots of variation. It's like me saying, "Stephanie is a white female with brown hair and green eyes." There are MILLIONS of other people on the planet who fit that description, and ZERO of them really look like me. Likewise, the fact that I'm an Eight means that I'll have some core things in common with other Eights, but I'll still be a completely different person.

But, I repeat, I am so unlike other Eights.

Enter MBTI.

For a while, Gabe and I had been wanted to learn more about Myers-Briggs personality types. And by that I mean, I've been wanting to learn about it, but haven't been willing to do the research, and Gabe will only do research via books and not the internet, so we were waiting for Christmas when we both knew I was going to get him books on the subject.

Which I did.

Gabe spent a lot of Christmas break reading about this type of personality assessment. Then we talked about it, and we discovered another game changer for me.

I've always thought that I was an ENTP ("The Debator") or maybe an ENTJ ("The Leader"):

an Extroverted (prefer to DO things rather than THINK about things)

iNtuitive (make leaps rather than love information)

Thinking (as opposed to Feeling)

Perceiving (see the world descriptively—the way things simply are)

or

Judging (see the world prescriptively—considering the way things should be)

Gabe cautiously put to me that he thought I was actually an ENFJ: a Feeling type rather than a Thinking type.

My whole life, I've believed that thinking is superior to feeling. In fact, feelings can sit quietly or get out. Intelligent people don't use feelings to make decisions. Some people may include feelings in a decision-making process, and that's fine if they need to do that to make themselves feel better, but really, the ideal way is to use reason and logic alone. Sort of like the apostle Paul and marriage: like, if you have to, fine, but not if you can resist.

My Enneagram Eightness fully supports this mindset. Go with your gut, make sure it makes sense, then move on. My whole life, I've cultivated my faculty of thinking and tried to become more and more reasonable. I equated becoming more reasonable with becoming smarter, wiser, and more actualized.

But...MBTI isn't about what you've cultivated—it's the opposite. MBTI is about your natural, initial, easiest-to-access preferences. MBTI says that everyone should work on cultivating their non-preferred "letter." Healthy Extroverts should develop their Introvert muscles, iNtuitive types should develop their ability to Sense, Thinkers should develop their Feeling skills, and Perceivers should develop their Judging faculties. MBTI isn't about limiting you; it's about helping you see where your natural limits are so that you're aware of them enough to move beyond them.

The very fact that I've spent my whole life leaning into Thinking as hard as I possibly can, with every tooth-gritted fiber of my being, so help me God, might be an indication that that is not my natural tendency.

It would also explain a lot of the asterisks and struggles to my being an Eight.

Eights thrive on controversy; ENFJs are friendly and considerate.

Eights are feelings repressed; ENFJs are feeling dominant.

Eights are generally in the "facts don't care about your feelings camp"; ENFJs are acutely aware of the way people are feeling.

Eights have tough shells; ENFJs are sensitive to criticism.

Eights just want to do their own things and let other people do their own things; ENFJs are kindergarten-teacher-type helpers.

Eights are big-pictured minded and tend to steamroll; ENFJs want to slow down and hear your life story, and how you feel about it.

Eights don't particularly care what you think about them; ENFJs want to be fun and popular.

Gabe and I really believe I'm both these types.

My Eightness + the way I was raised led me to bury my Feeling self as deeply as I could. Eights don't want to be hurt, and having feelings is the way you get hurt.

When I discovered I was an Eight, it was like unlocking the key to why I was the way I was—but there were also things that didn't make sense. Like, why did I sometimes shy away from confrontation depending on the makeup of the group I was in? Why was I sometimes more likely to validate someone's perspective, when in another context, I might eviscerate it with logic? Why did arguments sometimes make my chest squeeze when Eights were supposed to love them?

These questions made me feel weak and wrong—the Eightness again.

I know I don't need some stupid personality test to give me permission to feel—but in a (stupid, embarrassing) way, MBTI kind of did that for me. It explained why I feel sensitive to people's emotional states even though another part of me loves confrontation and arguments. It explained why I don't always assert myself and my point of view with all the conviction of a CEO-type Enneagram Eight.

I know some people are going to read this and roll their eyes, thinking, "Yeah, this is literally why personality tests—both Enneagram and MBTI—are silly and useless. These two paradigms are telling you something completely different. Clearly one of them (I mean, both of them, if we're being rational) is incorrect. People cannot be reduced to 'types' and any attempt to do so will lead to wild rationalization of results, and tons of asterisks and exceptions. People just are who they are; there are no types."

To which my ENFJ says, "I totally get that. People are super complicated. Personality types might not be for you, although I really think you'd benefit from doing a legitimate study of them—like reading books and talking to experts, not taking quizzes on Google and following Instagram accounts. Don't be dismissive of something you don't fully understand."

You don't wanna know what my Eight says.

~Stephanie