When I was little, my stomach hurt all the time: when I had to be away from my mom, when I had to do something new, when I might have to eat at a new restaurant. My stomach hurt when I was nervous, hungry, constipated, sick, ANYTHING. (I never threw up though, because I hated that too much to allow it.)
I went through a phase when I was about ten where I got too hungry once, and being so hungry made me nauseous, so I didn't want to eat, so I stayed nauseous, so I didn't want to eat, and on and on. Within two weeks I was so thin my pants wouldn't stay up and my parents were offering me literally anything I wanted to eat but I didn't want anything because I felt sick. Even after I got past all that, for years I lived in this bizarre fear of falling into the cycle again.
To explain the post's title very briefly, Enneagram types are divided into three triads based on what they're most in tune with: their head, heart, or body. Eights are body types. (The heart is our repressed center, but that's another post.)
I am very aware of my physical body. I feel everything. For Gabe and Cassidy, their repressed center is the body, and it has always blown my mind their ability to ignore—or even be oblivious to—physical discomfort. Cassidy will be like, "Yeah, I got a concussion and my arm is a bloody stump, but it's not really a big deal." Meanwhile I'll be in the corner with a hangnail like, "IF I DON'T FIND CLIPPERS IN THE NEXT TEN SECONDS I AM GOING TO LOSE MY MIND."
My body physically reacts to everything I think and feel. I am angry in my body. I am happy in my body. I am excited in my body. I am sad in my body. Every time I post something on Facebook, my heart beats harder and my arms tingle. Every time I enter into a debate with someone, I feel spikes of adrenaline radiate from my chest to the rest of my body. Every time I feel overwhelmed at work, my chest gets tight and my mouth hardens. Whenever I see someone who makes me happy, it feels like a lamp turns on in my chest.
My body's reacting to everything + my being incredibly aware of anything I'm physically feeling has led to a lot of "maybe it's all in your head?" being thrown at me from various people for as long as I can remember.
"Are you sure you feel X?"
"You're making yourself sick."
"It's all in your head."
"It's probably nothing."
"So just don't do that with your leg/arm/wrist/whatever hurts."
"Maybe if you ignore it it'll go away."
"Just try not to think about it."
I feel like my whole life, people have tried to convince me that because some of my physical reactions have mental roots, they don't count. They aren't legitimate. They aren't "real."
In the past couple of years, I've started having the physical symptoms of anxiety sometimes. My breathing will get extra labored. My hands will shake. I'll break into a cold sweat. My heart will beat irregularly. The corners of my vision will start to dissolve into nothing. I feel panicked in a tangible, literal, overwhelming way, but with nothing causing it.
It's really frustrated me, because I won't feel nervous. I won't feel anxious. I won't be able to think of anything triggering this physical reaction. Gabe is really supportive. He doesn't demand an explanation; he's perfectly accepting of the fact that my body is freaking out and I don't know why.
Lately I've been reexamining the whole "in your head means it isn't real" philosophy. Maybe both parties are right: maybe everyone else is right in that many of the problematic things I feel come from my head (or heart); however, maybe I'm also right in that they are actual manifestations in reality.
Just because something is in/from my head doesn't mean it isn't real; it might just mean I have to "treat" it differently. I don't think the solution for me is to ignore physical symptoms, but to find their root in my head or heart. I really am feeling X—in my body—for real. However, it could still be my outrageously body-centered self interpreting something mental or emotional as physical because that's just what I do.
This has really reassured me and validated what I've always felt: I'm not crazy, I'm just different XD Maybe now that I understand this, I can make some progress.
I still don't know what sets off my anxiety attacks, but maybe one day I'll figure it out.
Probably the day after I figure out where to find my emotions during Centering Prayer. *finger-guns at the teaser for a later post*
~Stephanie
