We Married the Wrong People

"If you were writing the job posting for 'Stephanie's Partner,' what are three qualifications you'd require?" I asked Gabe one night.

Gabe, unfazed by any part of this question, held up fingers and listed off, "1) They'd have to have a lot of personal agency, 2) be very kind, 3) be socially empathetic."

"Mm," I said. "Yeah. That's good."

We started getting ready for bed. I took a breath and said: "It's interesting because you're not all of those things. You have agency and you are very kind, but you're not socially empathetic."

"I know," Gabe said, smiling. "I'm not the perfect person for you."

"Yeah," I laughed. "I'm not who I'd design for you on paper either."

And we continued getting ready for bed, unbothered, because it wasn't the first time we'd recognized this fact.

I love Gabe an unfathomable amount, on an absolute soul-level. By the grace of God, we've been knitted into one flesh in two bodies—but I really mean by the grace of God. In a lot of ways, we do complement each other: he likes deep cleaning, tedious projects, and having lots of choices. This works out great because I hate all of those things.

But in a lot of other ways, we are fire and water. In a lot of other ways, you almost couldn't design a WORSE match.

When we first got married, Gabe was rigidly independent. It did not occur to him to allow me into his thought process, tell me when he needed something from the store, or check with me before watching a show or movie without me. To me, it felt like his ideal relationship was me leaving him alone.

When we first got married, I needed everything to have logical reasons. If Gabe couldn't present his thoughts to me in a persuasive essay, then he had to be wrong and we were NOT doing things his way.

I was (still am) WAY extroverted—I barely felt like I existed unless I was interacting with someone—and Gabe was WAY introverted. Life on a desert island with tourists who visit for two hours every other weekend was about his speed.

Gabe likes artsy movies and, in the beginning, he liked to watch them alone on his laptop. He hates movies with awkward situations or people making stupid choices and, well, that's most movies, so finding something to watch together was tough. His tastes in media were inextricably tied to his mood, so we'd go weeks or months not being able to finish a TV show because he just didn't feel like it.

I wanted a guy who would confront the people sitting in our seats at the theater or knock on the neighbor's door when he was being too loud. That isn't Gabe.

I loved showing Gabe love and gratitude on social media; he wouldn't reciprocate because he didn't like doing that kind of thing and thought it wouldn't feel authentic. That made me feel unloved and embarrassed.

I loved expressing my thoughts in writing (journaling, blogging, writing letters), and Gabe mostly couldn't.

I processed quickly, externally, and passionately. Gabe processed slowly, internally, gently. His opinions and heart were constantly splintered by the battering ram of my reactions.

I received love through quality time and physical touch, and Gabe seemed unable to speak either of those languages. I liked showing love by performing acts of service and words of affirmation, both of which made Gabe feel guilty and uncomfortable. His love language was gifts, which is my absolute Achilles heel. I felt awful.

For the first couple of years, I worried that I'd married the wrong person, that I'd made a mistake. As much as I loved Gabe, we weren't a good match. We were too different and we would never make each other happy. We'd doomed each other. (I confirmed a couple of years ago that Gabe had felt the same way.)

I never considered leaving him because that wasn't an option in my mind. I just thought we'd be a little bit unhappy forever.

But I think maybe God wanted to make a point? I've heard it said before that "marriage isn't about happiness, it's about holiness." Gabe and I shouldn't have gotten married because we thought we'd make each other happy, although I think that's what everyone does to some extent, and obviously you do want to be happy with your spouse.

I think God put us together because we both needed MAJOR remodeling as humans, and God wanted us to go through that journey together. It goes back to the post I wrote about being willing to change. If we had continued our marriage the way we began, we'd probably be miserable. But little by little we've changed just about everything about how we do marriage and our relationship. We've figured out what works for us and what doesn't. Gabe has learned that just because I sound angry doesn't mean I am. I've learned that sometimes Gabe says the wrong thing because he's still editing his thoughts, and I need to give him patience and the benefit of the doubt. Et cetera.

So many fights and panic attacks were started back in the day because one of us would drop a bomb that the other wasn't in a place to disarm. Now, we start every potentially stressful conversation with "I have something stressful to talk about" and give the other person time to brace him/herself. Or we'll ask, "Are you in a place to talk about X?" before launching into the topic, and respect the other's answer one way or the other.

At our cores, Gabe and I are the same people, but in some ways I barely recognize us. I genuinely cannot believe how different our marriage and personalities are from what they were eight years ago.

Are we perfect for each other on paper? Hell. No. But—not to sound cliché—I almost think that's made our marriage stronger. Two perfectly compatible people can have a beautiful marriage for sure, but there's something to be said for two people who went to WAR for each other's hearts, who shed blood, sweat, and tears to stay together.

(Note: I wouldn't want a young person to read all this and come away with, "See, my boyfriend/girlfriend and I CAN work out despite what everyone else says. We love each other enough to fight to stay together."

That's...not exactly what I mean. Or maybe it IS, but you both have to ACTUALLY be willing to change and do the work—not just say you're going to. Not just stay together in a crazy-dysfunctional relationship that isn't improving. Not just stay with someone because he/she says he'll change but you see no consistent, lasting difference. Like I said in the lucky post, Gabe and I both happened to marry people who were willing to change, but that is not everyone. I've been in "crazy-dysfunctional but we love each other enough to stay even though nothing is really improving" too and that's not worth it.)

Anyway, Gabe's and my marriage is obviously a young work-in-progress still, but I am proud of how different we are today.

Oh, and, in case this wasn't clear, I am now so, so, SO happy :) This post is probably gonna need a Part 2.

~Stephanie

I Got Lucky in My Marriage

You know how when you say that you're lucky, there's always some Christian lurking nearby, waiting to pounce at you with a "You're not lucky, you're blessed"?

That's always rubbed me the wrong way. Are the people who got bad cases of Covid less blessed than I am, then? Are the people whose babies were born healthy more "blessed" than those whose babies had complications? Gross. I understand wanting to give God the glory, but—first of all, people who react "no, you're blessed" are annoying—there's something "off" happening there.

And then you have MARRIAGE. Now, if the options are "deserving" or "blessed" in marriage, I'm definitely blessed. There is NO WAY that I deserve a husband like Gabe. He is the biggest example in my life of God doing immeasurably more than I could ask or imagine, much less deserve.

However.

I also think we got lucky in our marriage, and here's what I mean.

Note: We've only been married six and a half years, and there are tons of life events we've yet to experience, like having kids or buying a house. These are just the still-naive thoughts rattling around in my brain, needing to be put to paper for processing purposes. I'm thinking here way more than I'm telling, no matter what my tone might be.

Before we got married, I knew what I wanted in a husband. In fact, I can probably find an old blog post with a literal list. I know it had things on it like "funny," "smart," "Christian," and "likes to argue." Most people have some kind of list in mind, and it might even have more practical things on it, like "wants the same number of kids as I do" or "is good at making decisions" or "good at communicating."

One thing that never occurred to me to put on the list is "willing to change."

The concept of changing in a relationship has a lot of baggage. We hear a lot about how you shouldn't have to change yourself to be with someone; you should be able to be yourself fully. We hear a lot about how girls shouldn't date guys hoping that they'll change, and having once been in a particular five-year Romantic Situation, I WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree with that.

I don't think "willing to change" was on Gabe's list for a wife either, and I think we just plain lucked out, because I believe a willingness to change is the number one thing that makes our marriage successful*.

When I hear stories about unhappiness in other relationships, it seems to me like the problem is an unwillingness to change. There is so much "I've always done X this way, and you just have to deal with it," or "We made an agreement that you would do Y, and—even though situations have changed and I can see that that's not working well for our family—I'm holding you to it forever," or "Sorry, I'm just really blunt/uninterested in that topic/impatient/easily angered/set in my ways."

There's so much, "When we got together, we both believed Z, and now that you're doing research/asking questions/digging deeper and starting to change your mind, I'm NOT here for it and I will NOT hear what you have to say."

There are so many repeat issues because nothing is altered. It's the ol' definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I have to live with my husband F O R E V E R, and he has to live with me. There is NO way I'm living my forever with someone who insists on leaving the toilet seat up just because he's always done it, and he's not living with someone who insists that (dishwasher safe) pots be washed by hand just because she's always done THAT.

He's gonna start closing the damn cabinets, and I'm gonna start rinsing my damn dishes.

He's gonna start externalizing his feelings-based decision processes, and I'm gonna start accepting that not everything has to be a logical syllogism. He's gonna realize that it's not unfair for me to want reasons, and I'm gonna realize that processing my own emotions is necessary for life.

He's gonna recognize that "I'm just not in the mood to watch that" is unjustifiably selfish at times and he needs to get over it. I'm gonna recognize that interrupting him during his downtime is hurtful to him, and a violation of his boundaries.

Marriage is ALL ABOUT CHANGING—for the other person, for the good of society, to be more like Jesus. Changing even when you don't think you're in the wrong. Changing even when it's inconvenient for you or "just isn't the way you are."

I know that that piece of advice might be a slippery slope, especially for teens or people dating for the first time. I'm not yet sure how to qualify it in a way that's safer or more accurate.

I also don't mean for this post to sound arrogant, because I mean it: I think Gabe and I just got lucky. We didn't know that "willingness to change" should be on our lists, and we certainly didn't know that we each qualified. It was a happy accident. (I think we're ALL pretty shocked I've ended up being that kind of person.)

But if anyone—future kids, maybe—ever asks me what to look for in a partner, I think I know what I'm going to say now: be sure he/she's willing to change. Be sure that he/she is open to being wrong and reassessing. Be sure he/she understands that as situations change, adjustments will have to be made.

I don't think Gabe's and my marriage is successful* because he's funny, smart, likes to argue with me, or even because he's a Christian. I think our marriage works because we're both willing to change.

What a blessing XD

~Stephanie

* I'm not saying we don't have issues (and, I mean, we haven't even had kids or bought a house yet), but 1) I have no doubt that we will be married until death does us part, and 2) on the whole, we're happy.

Emotions: Acrylic Pour vs. Piet Mondrian

One day I really am going to write the post explaining what I mean by saying I'm "feelings repressed," but this is not that day. Today is the day we talk about how Gabe is working to help us be aware of, connect with, and process our emotions in a healthy way. He is a gem of a human and God outdid himself fulfilling some of his promises to me through Gabe.

At dinner one night last week, we had a conversation that went something like this:

Gabe: "You know how I sometimes have trouble knowing how I feel about specific events or ideas?"

Me: "Yes."

Gabe: "I discovered today that if I approach it from the other direction, it's way easier. If I take a minute and assess all the emotions I'm feeling, I can usually trace them to the event or idea that's triggering them. I thought that might also be helpful for you as you try to get in touch with your emotions."

I cocked my head to one side. "Okay. Can you give me an example of what that looks like?"

He proceeded to say an emotion he was feeling, take a beat, and find what was causing it. He did this with 5–7 different emotions.

"You're feeling that all right now?" I said, staring. "Like ACTIVELY?"

"Well," he said. "Some of them are in the back of my mind, but yeah, actively. Do you want to try it?"

"Sure."

He gave different emotions and asked if I were feeling them, giving me a minute to test myself and see if they were present. Some of my responses went something like this:

"Well, I know X makes me stressed, so if I think about—"

"No," he interrupted kindly. "Don't seek out things that trigger an emotion. This is just about emotions that are going on right now, without you forcing things to mind."

More staring from me. "So, what, you're feeling all those things just...without trying?"

This made him laugh.

Shortly, the list of emotions petered out. "I'm having trouble thinking of names of emotions," he said. "That's my problem. I don't know the names."

"Oh, I can do THAT," I said, in a mixture of incredulousness and relief. I listed off approximately six trillion emotion words for him and he continued the exercise, seeing if any of them were present in himself, then asking me the question.

We've checked in like this a few times since: "What all are you feeling right now? Are you feeling X? Y? Z?" I'm surprised to find I like it. It makes me aware of the emotions that are happening in the background, not being enjoyed. Like, I can be really happy and not notice. I might also be apprehensive and not realize it, but naming it gives us a chance to work on it and mitigate any unpleasant side effects.

It's an extremely interesting exercise, on many levels. We've learned a lot about each other very quickly.

First, we've learned that Gabe is a breathtaking acrylic pour of emotion virtually all of the time, whereas I am usually a Piet Mondrian or, like, maybe actual fire: mostly one color but very, very intense.

Second, we've learned that Gabe feels a very wide range of emotion somewhat mildly, whereas I am usually feeling one to two emotions ONE HUNDRED PERCENT, THE MOST I EVER HAVE, IN FACT.

Third, we've—well, I've—learned that I might be feeling more than I realize. The emotions are there, and having a process for finding them is surprisingly liberating and kind of fun.

Fourth, it's a very low-risk, safe environment for me to practice Feeling. I don't feel exposed in a way that I hate. It makes us feel closer in a way that is vulnerable without being stressful. It opens the door for conversations that make our lives easier, our souls healthier, our marriage stronger.

Moral of the story: Growing with Gabe is one of my favorite things in the world.

~Stephanie

Meat Rationing

Gabe and I are good at a lot of things. Consistently eating leftovers is not one of them.

When we first got married, we didn't have a regular grocery shopping day.

Today, that thought blows my mind. Did we just wait until we had no food in the apartment, and sometimes that happened on a Thursday, sometimes a Monday?

I also remember not planning meals ahead of time, which—again—blows my mind now. I would buy general ingredients, and then decide what to cook on a daily basis. In addition to causing me stress when I had to meal plan every twenty-four hours, this caused us to waste a lot of food. Veggies would wilt before we used them; we'd have too much chicken left over and end up throwing it away.

Now, Tuesday is grocery day and I go to the store knowing what I'm going to cook every night so that we buy only what we need. But those changes have been in effect for years. I want to talk about the latest evolution in money-saving meal planning.

(This isn't even a tip for people—just a step in my Becoming journey—because I'm fairly sure I'm the last person on earth to have this revelation XD)

Only cook the meat you need, and freeze the rest.

For some people, this might not work the best because they will actually eat leftovers or do meal prep. However for us, it has been a game changer.

We rotate through several different proteins: chicken, ground beef, ham, ground turkey, eggs, sausage. I used to cook a whole pound of ground beef if the two of us were having tacos. We would never eat all the meat, and would rarely remember to go back and eat the random serving of taco meat left over. I used to cook the whole half ham thing when we had ham. Same deal.

Lately, I've experimented with just about halving the amount of meat I cook per meal. Somehow—maybe it's a loaves and fishes thing because God knows we're poor again—we feel no less full, and our meat budget goes twice as far.

Doing this, I rarely have to buy more than one or two types of protein a week, and yet we still eat four or five types throughout that week. This change, along with other similar food prep changes (using what we need, freezing the rest), have cut our grocery bill by about 15%.

I know this is a small thing, but it makes me feel strangely empowered when I save us money and keep our lifestyle good. It makes me feel like a Proverbs 31 woman.

And who wouldn't want that?!

~Stephanie

Self-Awareness: Hopefully True, Maybe Ironic

"Everyone suspects himself of at least one of the cardinal virtues, and this is mine: I am one of the few honest people that I have ever known."
~ F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

I don't know if "self-awareness" is a cardinal virtue, but it is a quality of which I like to suspect myself.

Before anything more, I would like to point out that I realize how awkward and ironic this will be if it turns out that I'm fooling myself into thinking I'm self-aware. But I do genuinely want to be self-aware, so if you think I'm not, do tell me.

Actually, now that I dig deeper into my thoughts, I think that's more what I'm trying to say: my "cardinal virtue" isn't that I am self-aware, but that I genuinely want to be. If you think I'm arrogant, please tell me. If you think I'm shallow, please tell me. If you think my tone is too sharp, please tell me.

This is something Gabe and I have been working on since we got married. His default is to let things go, which is a GIANT GIFT FROM GOD because my default is to grab onto everything. If we were both as nit-picky as I am, we'd...well, we'd never have gotten married, that's for sure. If we had anyway someone would definitely be dead by now.

But that quality of his also bothers me, because I feel like I thrive on people calling me out on my crap.

On my very first blog, I would sometimes post excerpts from stories I was writing. People would comment kind, encouraging things. And I hated that. Here is a moment of sheer self-awareness that I often shy away from because #Arrogance:

I know I'm a good writer.

There. I said it.

Now, admittedly, that's right now. Tomorrow I may recant this and insist that I'm average at best, or I peaked when I was a teenager, or a bunch of other different statements that I will believe just as much at that time as the one above. But, on the whole, I know I'm a good writer.

What I want to be is a better writer. And those kind, encouraging comments to my middle-school self were not making me that. I did want to hear what people liked about my stories or style, but where did they see weakness? What didn't they like?

This intense desire to expose flaws and fix them is one of my core qualities. Gabe is getting more and more comfortable with stopping me in a moment and saying, "You're being mean to me," or "You're not listening," or "I think you don't have a good reason for that." And my suspected cardinal virtue kicks in, because I think—and Gabe, please correct me if I'm wrong—that I do a good job of pausing and taking that criticism.

Now, I'm not saying that my other core qualities of Logic and Arguing For The Purpose Of Understanding don't make an appearance too. I will sometimes push back against the accusation of "meanness" if I honestly don't believe it, but Gabe knows that it's because I need to understand and be understood. I go into "cross examination mode," which is definitely not warm and fuzzy, but it is devoid of whatever emotion was overwhelming me a few moments before.

If I was being mean, I explain where I think it was coming from and apologize. If I wasn't listening, I start. If I didn't have a good reason, we discover that and I admit that I need to let go (sometimes, in the moment, I can't yet, but I will at least stop forcing it on the world at large XD).

I have some good qualities, but I'm more interested in the bad ones. What can I fix? What can I understand better? What can I change?

I know I'm intense and self-assured and argumentative, but don't ever be afraid to stop me if you have something to say out of love.

I really do want to know.

~Stephanie

Wife After God

At the recommendation of a good friend, I bought a devotional called Wife After God: Drawing Closer to God & Your Husband.

Cheesy title? Yes.

Cheesy book? Yes and no. Mostly no (and that's honest and coming from a chronically--hey, I just noticed the Greek etymology of kronos, meaning "time"--sarcastic individual)

I'm only halfway through,* but I feel like I'm getting a lot out of it.

First of all, I really like the way the chapters are set up. Each one contains Bible verses or short passages to read, a one- to two-page devotional, a suggested prayer, a challenge, and three insightful questions to ask yourself. The whole thing takes maybe fifteen minutes to complete.

However, right off the bat, the Enemy tried to take me out in two ways: 1) he accentuated the cheese factor, and 2) he highlighted every grammar mistake and typo the author made.

(Okay, the second one might've been mostly me. I'm assuaging it by allowing myself to mark up the book in pen. I may respectfully submit my suggested edits to the author when I'm done so that the errors don't get in the way of the content for other jerks like me.)

The Enemy almost won. But God checked me with a lesson I've been handed a thousand times: things are what you make them.

Is there cheese in a scripted prayer? Sure. Is there an element of trite-ness in some of the classic anecdotes? Yeah. Is there cringiness in a chapter on submission? You'd think so, but actually I thought the author handled that chapter particularly well.

But what if I decided to be bigger than that all that? What if I decided to get everything I could out of each chapter, to work with it instead of against it? I'm not "cool" because I'm incapable of learning from something that isn't my style. I'd actually be pretty shallow and unsophisticated.

(Honestly that rant was kind of a tangent, because the book ISN'T EVEN CHEESY, I just wanted to point out a way that the Enemy fought hard to deter me.)

I've been doing a Wife After God devotion almost every morning as I eat my breakfast and drink my tea. I read the prayer through once to get familiar with it, then I read it aloud and try to mean the words as I say them. If I get to a question that has an easy, "Sunday school answer," I will intentionally STOP and think harder, because clearly there's something present that Satan wants me to miss.

I don't know if I'm a better wife now than I was fifteen days ago, but I do feel more aware of my marriage and my interactions with Gabe. When I feel a sharp tone about to come out, I think I'm aware of it a split second earlier than I was, and sometimes I can temper it before it comes tearing out of my mouth. I'm trying to pass everything I say, think, and do through the filters of Respect Your Husband, How Can I Show Love in This Moment, and Is Maybe This Something I Can Just Let Go (#AdventuresInNotBeingPettyAF).

Please don't mistake my efforts for claiming success. I am not naturally a kind or patient person, and I'm not going to become one over night. But even just creating those three filters has awakened a new awareness in me. It can't be hurting.

Favorite Chapters So Far
"Day 4: Your Spouse is a Gift" - Such a lovely, fun, inspiring perspective! The challenge was to think of your husband as a gift and hug him the next time you saw him. I actually did "Day 4" while at my parents' house, sans Gabe, a few days before Sarah's wedding. When I finally saw him at the wedding rehearsal, I remembered the Challenge and felt such joy. He really is a gift to me :)

"Day 13: Coated in Pride" - I need all the lessons on pride that I can possibly get, and I know it and want to work on it. I did "Day 13" while we were on our anniversary trip, and tried to make an effort to let us do things Gabe's ways that day (and since, of course ;)). My ways are not the only ways. I do not always know best. And anyone who knows Gabe knows that he's incredibly considerate and humble. I don't need to fight to have my perspectives and preferences considered. It's my pride that tells me I do.

"Day 16: Submissiveness" - This chapter is handled so beautifully. It highlights the hierarchy that God has ordained, but reminds us that we submit--men and women alike--because Jesus submitted to God the Father. Submission is not weakness. It's peace, freedom, and strength.

I'm thinking that maybe I'll go through this devotional once a year and see what different insights and approaches I stumble upon as our marriage grows and changes.

Definitely would recommend to Christian wives.

~Stephanie

* I write these in advance, so I am actually done with the book now.