You know how when you say that you're lucky, there's always some Christian lurking nearby, waiting to pounce at you with a "You're not lucky, you're blessed"?
That's always rubbed me the wrong way. Are the people who got bad cases of Covid less blessed than I am, then? Are the people whose babies were born healthy more "blessed" than those whose babies had complications? Gross. I understand wanting to give God the glory, but—first of all, people who react "no, you're blessed" are annoying—there's something "off" happening there.
And then you have MARRIAGE. Now, if the options are "deserving" or "blessed" in marriage, I'm definitely blessed. There is NO WAY that I deserve a husband like Gabe. He is the biggest example in my life of God doing immeasurably more than I could ask or imagine, much less deserve.
However.
I also think we got lucky in our marriage, and here's what I mean.
Note: We've only been married six and a half years, and there are tons of life events we've yet to experience, like having kids or buying a house. These are just the still-naive thoughts rattling around in my brain, needing to be put to paper for processing purposes. I'm thinking here way more than I'm telling, no matter what my tone might be.
Before we got married, I knew what I wanted in a husband. In fact, I can probably find an old blog post with a literal list. I know it had things on it like "funny," "smart," "Christian," and "likes to argue." Most people have some kind of list in mind, and it might even have more practical things on it, like "wants the same number of kids as I do" or "is good at making decisions" or "good at communicating."
One thing that never occurred to me to put on the list is "willing to change."
The concept of changing in a relationship has a lot of baggage. We hear a lot about how you shouldn't have to change yourself to be with someone; you should be able to be yourself fully. We hear a lot about how girls shouldn't date guys hoping that they'll change, and having once been in a particular five-year Romantic Situation, I WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree with that.
I don't think "willing to change" was on Gabe's list for a wife either, and I think we just plain lucked out, because I believe a willingness to change is the number one thing that makes our marriage successful*.
When I hear stories about unhappiness in other relationships, it seems to me like the problem is an unwillingness to change. There is so much "I've always done X this way, and you just have to deal with it," or "We made an agreement that you would do Y, and—even though situations have changed and I can see that that's not working well for our family—I'm holding you to it forever," or "Sorry, I'm just really blunt/uninterested in that topic/impatient/easily angered/set in my ways."
There's so much, "When we got together, we both believed Z, and now that you're doing research/asking questions/digging deeper and starting to change your mind, I'm NOT here for it and I will NOT hear what you have to say."
There are so many repeat issues because nothing is altered. It's the ol' definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
I have to live with my husband F O R E V E R, and he has to live with me. There is NO way I'm living my forever with someone who insists on leaving the toilet seat up just because he's always done it, and he's not living with someone who insists that (dishwasher safe) pots be washed by hand just because she's always done THAT.
He's gonna start closing the damn cabinets, and I'm gonna start rinsing my damn dishes.
He's gonna start externalizing his feelings-based decision processes, and I'm gonna start accepting that not everything has to be a logical syllogism. He's gonna realize that it's not unfair for me to want reasons, and I'm gonna realize that processing my own emotions is necessary for life.
He's gonna recognize that "I'm just not in the mood to watch that" is unjustifiably selfish at times and he needs to get over it. I'm gonna recognize that interrupting him during his downtime is hurtful to him, and a violation of his boundaries.
Marriage is ALL ABOUT CHANGING—for the other person, for the good of society, to be more like Jesus. Changing even when you don't think you're in the wrong. Changing even when it's inconvenient for you or "just isn't the way you are."
I know that that piece of advice might be a slippery slope, especially for teens or people dating for the first time. I'm not yet sure how to qualify it in a way that's safer or more accurate.
I also don't mean for this post to sound arrogant, because I mean it: I think Gabe and I just got lucky. We didn't know that "willingness to change" should be on our lists, and we certainly didn't know that we each qualified. It was a happy accident. (I think we're ALL pretty shocked I've ended up being that kind of person.)
But if anyone—future kids, maybe—ever asks me what to look for in a partner, I think I know what I'm going to say now: be sure he/she's willing to change. Be sure that he/she is open to being wrong and reassessing. Be sure he/she understands that as situations change, adjustments will have to be made.
I don't think Gabe's and my marriage is successful* because he's funny, smart, likes to argue with me, or even because he's a Christian. I think our marriage works because we're both willing to change.
What a blessing XD
~Stephanie
* I'm not saying we don't have issues (and, I mean, we haven't even had kids or bought a house yet), but 1) I have no doubt that we will be married until death does us part, and 2) on the whole, we're happy.
