Jesus Had Limitations

I have always considered myself to be a lazy person.

Growing up, I was often told that I was lazy, and I assume it was true. I internalized it as part of my identity. Being told that I was lazy did not make me less lazy; it just made me aware of the fact that apparently laziness was part of who I was.

If I didn't get my homework done, it was because I didn't try hard enough. If I didn't take all the college classes I wanted to, it was because I didn't want to apply myself sufficiently. If I'm late to a function, it's because I didn't plan well enough. If I'm not a good enough friend to someone, it's because I'm too lazy to try. If I don't finish a work project on time, it's because I didn't work hard enough. If I'm not in the physical shape I want to be in, it's because I don't commit to it. If I can't have three careers and also be a stay-at-home mom, it'll be because I'm lazy.

It's part of my identity. I AM a lazy person. I don't have any limits at all except an unwillingness to work. There is no other reason besides laziness that would account for the above things. I am capable of literally ANYTHING and the failure to do literally anything is 100% a lack of focus and determination.

Except, maybe that's insane?!

I was listening to the Made for This podcast by Jennie Allen this morning and Kirk Franklin was a guest speaker. I was going about my day when he started hitting me with truths I had never considered before. The scales have fallen from my eyes and now I feel like an actual crazy person.

He quoted the book Ordering Your Private World by George MacDonald: "Jesus knew his limitations well.* Strange as it may seem, he knew what we conveniently forget: time must be properly budgeted for the gathering of inner strength and resolve in order to compensate for one's weaknesses when spiritual warfare begins."

If JESUS needed time to recharge, if JESUS had limitations, then how appallingly arrogant of me to assume that I have none; that my only limitation is laziness; that I have no spiritual, physical, emotional, intellectual, relational limitations whatsoever. (I'm hearing how insane and arrogant this sounds as I process it. Good grief.)

Kirk went on to point out that one thing Satan does is tempt us to go beyond our limitations, to exhaust ourselves in any or many of the above categories. "Rest is a weapon," Kirk said. "It's very hard to tempt well-rested, emotionally healthy, happy, and serene people."

Maybe I'm not fundamentally lazy. Maybe I'm TIRED. Maybe I'm really, really tired. Maybe my assumption that I have no limitations has led me to be not only overextended, but emotionally abusive to myself. Until this morning, I ACTUALLY THOUGHT that the ONLY reason I had not succeeded in any number of "failures" was because I just hadn't tried hard enough, because I was lazy.

And honestly, I'm not sure which camp I find more uncomfortable: the You Are Lazy camp, or the You Have Limitations camp.

On one hand, acknowledging that I have legitimate limitations is both reasonable and reassuring. On the other...well, it is a strangely difficult pill to swallow. I have always been comforted by the fact that I COULD do literally anything, I just CHOOSE not to because I'd rather be lazy. It is humbling and disconcerting to think that I may not be ABLE to work a 40-hour a week job, tutor Challenge B, teach dance, have children, homeschool those children, run a perfect house, read a book a week, write and publish a novel, have a great tan, get into perfect shape, have a deep relationship with God, be a great friend, be involved in church, be politically active, become fluent in multiple languages, and relearn math simultaneously NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY.

That was not hyperbole for the sake of making a point. That was the actual list of things I assumed I was capable of doing concurrently if I just weren't so lazy.

Even now, it's hard for me not to look at that list and narrow my eyes and say, "But, like, you COULD. You just WON'T." I still kind of feel that way. Maybe it's a weird millennial side effect of growing up on "you can do anything you put your mind to" culture.

I'm not sure what to do with this. Do I take a vacation? (It's been over a year since I took one...) Do I quit a job? (LOL) Do I...?

~Stephanie

*Obviously as God, Jesus had no limitations. However, he was also human, which comes with limitations that he chose to acknowledge and live within.