It occurred to me the other day that I've gotten out of practice doing things I don't want to do.
{Aaaaaaand from here, this post went in a direction I didn't see coming, which happens to me a lot. I really thought this would be a short post, and yet here I am, adding this note thirty minutes into writing it. I think some of the post is going to seem anti-mental health. I don't think I am. If you want to talk about it, I'd love for you to message me.}
As a kid you often have to do things you don't want to do. Your parents make you do chores before you can hang out with your friends or watch TV. Then, if you go to college, you have more things to do that you don't want to do—even if you like your major. Your professors make you turn in papers and drafts, show up to classes, read books and plays and articles, and books and articles about books and plays.
In today's society (all of my English professors just died inside), we seem to be glorifying comfort more and more. "Glorifying" might not even be strong enough; "idolizing" might be more accurate.
If someone is "stealing your peace," cut her out of your life. You don't need that kind of negativity.
If you suddenly don't feel like doing something you RSVP'd to, don't go. You don't owe anybody anything.
If you've had a rough week, you should just watch Netflix and scroll on your phone for hours. You deserve a break.
There are all these movements to "normalize" things too—AKA force people to accept things because the idea of their not accepting them makes you uncomfortable.
Normalize women having body hair. Or how about if you're a woman, you do what you want with your body hair and don't care what other people think?
Normalize men showing emotions. Or maybe if you're a man, show emotion as much as you want and don't care what other people think?
Normalize eating at restaurants alone. Or maybe if you want to eat at a restaurant alone, just do it.
Things don't have to be "normalized" for you to do them. It isn't as though these things aren't allowed; people are just too chicken and uncomfortable to do things until society accepts them. It isn't everyone else's job to make sure you feel "normal."
(Do people even want to be "normal"? Isn't it more fun to stand out?)
If you don't feel like cooking, you can have food delivered to your door.
If you don't feel like shopping, you can buy anything online and have it shipped to you.
If you don't like cleaning, maybe you hire some help.
Now, on one hand, I get all of these things. Mental health and boundaries are important.
If someone is stealing your peace, it may be a healthy thing to get some distance. But it might also be healthy to have an uncomfortable conversation with the person.
If you are running yourself ragged and need a break, you might be right to sit out a social event that you RSVP'd do. However, my gut says that commitments to other people are important. It's not all about you. You don't get to let people down just because you're feeling tired. You should've thought of that before you RSVP'd, or planned your week better since you knew this event was coming up.
Sometimes turning your brain off to watch TV or scroll social media might work, but maybe spending time in prayer, taking a walk, or journaling—things that are less comfortable, but may do more to heal you—are a better option.
I get it: no one wants to be labeled rudely for their body hair, being emotional, or eating alone. Yes, if all these things were "normalized" you'd be more comfortable with yourself.
But you might also be lazier and less brave.
I've been living as an adult for a few years now. It has been a really long time since someone has made me do something. I spend a good amount of time on Facebook and Instagram, where trends and Society run rampant. I think the message of King (or Queen, if you'd like) Comfort have slowly sunk into my subconscious.
Why should I clean my apartment? I don't want to.
Why should I grade these papers? I don't want to.
Why should I read this book for work? I don't want to.
Why should I go to the grocery store? I don't want to.
Gradually, it has gotten harder and harder to make myself do these things.
I just won't clean. We rarely have guests. Who cares? No one is going to make me.
I just won't grade these papers. I'll do it next week. Maybe.
I just won't read this book. I'll read it tomorrow. Or the SparkNotes. Or watch the movie.
I just won't go to the grocery store. I'll get things delivered or ask Gabe to stop on the way home from work.
All these are viable options, and what's more, I've allowed myself to be conditioned by Society into thinking I deserve to take these shortcuts. I deserve to be comfortable. I deserve to be happy.
Ooh, that's it. Society has decided that comfort equals happiness, and we all deserve to be happy.
Well, I don't think I'm happy. I think this has been a huge bait-and-switch. I took a bite of happiness and it turned to discontentment inside my mouth.
I don't like the "comfortable" person I've become.
At Classical Conversations, one of the things we want students to learn is "how to do hard things." You don't like Latin? It's hard for you? Good. You're going to have to do difficult things you don't like your whole life. This isn't about a subject, it's about your character. Learn to do hard things.
I've gotten out of the habit doing hard things. I've begun to believe the lie that comfort will make me happy. I don't think comfort will make me happy. I think doing hard things will make me happy. I think cleaning my apartment even when I don't want to will make me a better person. The goal is not even to get to a place where I want clean my apartment. I should clean my apartment in the midst of the not wanting to.
No one makes me do things I don't want to do anymore. Not my parents, not my professors, not my boss(es), not my husband. I am the only one who will make myself do hard things, and for a while now, I often haven't.
Yesterday, when these thoughts began forming in my mind, I decided that I would do one thing a day that I didn't want to do. Yesterday it was cleaning the apartment.
It was weird, because I really didn't want to. It was like I thought if I made it a game, a challenge—"Today cleaning the apartment will be the thing I do even though I don't want to"—it wouldn't suck as much. But I found that it still did. I almost didn't do it, because I REALLY still didn't want to. But I did do it. I was really glad that I had. (And I was REALLY glad today that I had.)
Today I didn't want to assess some formal logic midterms that students took last week. I didn't have to. I have time to do it other days. But I did. I really didn't want to, but I did. It was easier than cleaning the apartment. I feel really good having done some of them.
I know a lot of things I don't want to do tomorrow, but I'm going to pick one—one I really don't want to do—and I'm going to do it.
Mental health is important. But that's not why I wasn't cleaning the apartment. I wasn't cleaning the apartment because the sacrificial part of my character was growing weak.
And I don't want to live like that. It doesn't make me happy.
~Stephanie
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