I've been thinking about apologies a lot lately, from a lot of different angles. We'll see if this fits into one post or if it takes off into A Series.
Apologizing versus Sympathizing
I think this is one of the times English sets us up for imprecision, like the way it only has one word for "love." Nine times out of ten, when you say, "I'm sorry," some wise guy retorts, "wHy ArE yOu sOrRy iT'S nOt LikE it'S YoUr fAulT." Yeah, I know, Jim, I'm expressing sympathy; I'm not apologizing. English needs more words XD
Over-Apologizing: My Version
Gabe and I both over-apologize, but very differently. For me, appropriate apologies weren't something I studied as a kid. However, like many female Eights, I did internalize the belief that much of my natural behavior must warrant an apology. Because of this, I tend to apologize a lot because I feel like I don't have an accurate read on what people expect me to regret. I apologize for things that didn't need it, and sometimes miss opportunities where an apology would've been helpful.
Since Gabe is the person I'm closest to, I apologize to him the most. I apologize mostly 1) when I think I'm being "too much," and 2) because I've imagined blame/passive aggression from him. For example, I might notice that he started the dishwasher and assume that he's mad that I didn't do it first. I'll come to him and apologize for not starting the dishwasher, assure him that I was planning to do it, and ask if he's mad at me. We talked about this last night.
"It's like...it feels like a test," I told him, thinking out loud as usual. "Like you're waiting to see if I'll apologize for not doing it. If I do apologize, then of course you're not mad—and I pass the test because I apologized. But if I don't apologize, then you are mad, because you think I should've done it and if I don't show remorse that I didn't, I'm in the wrong."
He stared at me and then said, "I assure you I'm not putting that much thought into it. I just started the dishwasher."
Over-Apologizing: Gabe's Version
The way Gabe over-apologizes is...an absolute disease. He'll basically ask the waiter for the check and then apologize. When we checked into our hotel for our anniversary, we couldn't remember if we had reservations at one hotel or its sister hotel next door, so we needed to ask at the front desk. As we stood in line, I said to Gabe, "Do not apologize at any point during this interaction. You are doing nothing wrong. I'm sure people have this question all the time."
And he would've made it, too, but when we stepped up to the desk, the girl said, "Just give me one minute to wrap this up" as she typed into her computer and Gabe immediately: "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, yes, I'm sorry." BRUH.
When Apologies Become About the Apologizer
Gabe's apology disease (sorry, Love, I love you) leads into one of my biggest pet peeves about apologies: when the apologizer makes it about him/herself.
I believe the point of an apology is to express regret to the injured party, and maybe make plans to avoid causing pain/inconvenience in the future. Apologies should be about respecting or honoring the injured party. This goes awry in two ways:
1) When you fall all over yourself apologizing for something that doesn't merit an apology, you force the "injured party" to reassure you. It's no longer about expressing regret to the injured party. Now the injured party has to do the obligatory dance of, "Oh goodness, no, you're totally fine, don't even worry about it, no problem, no apology needed" and it's all about you, the apologizer. You've put a burden on the injured party. Now they feel a social obligation to reassure you that you were fine, your apology is unnecessary, etc. If you really want to do something kind or take a burden off the party you feel like you injured...don't force them into this dance of having to make you feel better. They'd probably rather just get on with their lives. Stop being annoying and emotionally demanding.
2) I also have beef with people who replace "I'm sorry" with "I feel so bad!" No. This isn't about you. You did something that hurt or inconvenienced me. If your reaction to hurting or inconveniencing me is to share how you are negatively affected...you're missing the point of an apology. Once again, you've put the burden on the injured party to reassure you: "Oh, don't feel bad!" etc. I am just about done with interactions that go like this:
Me: "You hurt/inconvenienced me."
Other person: "What?! I feel terrible! No! I would never do that on purpose! How could you think that of me? I would never! You always ascribe such negative intent to me! That's so unfair!"
Me: "Oh my gosh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to make you feel bad."
I was in a relationship for years where the other party turned every situation into something I needed to apologize for. Imagine a situation where Person A was driving Person B around while high on acid, and somehow Person B ends up profusely apologizing. A master of madness and manipulation, I tell ya.
If you are in the wrong, apologize first. You can share how broken up you are about hurting the other person second, if you have to, but for heaven's sake, is the apology about genuinely expressing regret or about assuaging your own conscience?
Of Interest, Particularly If You're a Five on the Enneagram or an INTJ
Technically—etymologically—I guess apologies ARE about the apologizer. I'm pretty sure the word means "away word," as in, using words to cast blame away from yourself. "Apology" implies a defense/justification of the offender's action, so maybe all the obnoxious "I Know You Think I Hurt You But Here's Why You're Wrong" people have a leg to stand on after all XD
Anyway, I'm sure you have your own opinions and pet peeves surrounding apologies—or the English language :) What are they?
~Stephanie
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