Parenting Pillars: Mental Freedom

Today I attempt to process my thoughts on the "Mental Freedom" category of Gabe's and my fledgling parenting philosophy. When we went away for our planning weekend, we brainstormed a bunch of ideas that were important to us and then sorted them into four different categories: healthy religion, listening to your body, mental freedom, and emotional intelligence. These are the ideas that got sorted into the Mental Freedom list, but I think there's going to be some overlap. For example, I know "Independent play" will also show up in the Listen to Your Body category.

1) Your boundaries matter.
A lot of the Mental Freedom bullet points below have roots in the idea of boundaries. You might remember my whole boundaries journey and how groundbreaking that was for me. It's something I want to pass on to our kids.

I don't know what that will look like. Especially at first, I imagine kids will need adults to draw all the boundaries for them, to teach them what healthy boundaries look like as opposed to ones born out of paranoia or spite. But as soon as it makes sense, I want to start respecting my kids' boundaries. I want them to know that their voice matters. With practice, I hope their boundaries will grow to be wise and reasonable and held with neither bitterness nor guilt.

2) Imagination
I'm not sure if imagination is something that can be taught, but I definitely think it's something that can be squashed or stunted. Our goal is not to squash or stunt, and to encourage our children in exploring worlds, asking questions, and not being afraid to play pretend.

3) Reading
Gabe and I love to read, and believe so strongly in the power of stories. (You can actually hear me ranting about this subject on an Everyday Educator podcast episode here.) Even if our kids don't grow up to be avid readers, we want to foster a family culture of stories and talking about stories.

4) Independent play
Ah, independent play. My personal Achilles heel XD I don't know if it's because I'm cripplingly extroverted or what, but I would not consider myself good at independent play, and it's a skill we want to develop in our children. Not only should it help them grow in confidence, but it should also make life a little easier for us as parents if we don't have to entertain our kids all day.

When kids are older, "independent play" will probably look like letting them get bored enough to devise games on their own, but when they're infants and toddlers, independent play looks like butting out. Don't narrate what they're doing 24/7. Don't obsessively point out cause and effect as if they don't have eyes and a brain of their own. Don't tell or show them how to use a new toy—let them figure it out. When adults play with kids in a prescriptive way, it can stunt the child's creativity and confidence. Just let them figure it out. Let them use the toy "wrong." If they're playing with it, how is that "wrong"?

5) There are different types of intelligence.
This is one principle that Gabe has had to help me with, because if there's one thing I've always been sure of, it's that some people are stupid. However, Gabe flat out disagrees, and I think he's right. Gabe believes that everyone has some type of intelligence, and that every type is valuable and worthy of respect. He's done a little bit of research, and science backs this up. Howard Gardner identified seven types of intelligence: linguistic, logical-mathematical, spatial, bodily-kinesthetic, musical, interpersonal, and intrapersonal. I think society tends to glorify linguistic and logical, labeling everyone else as—at worst—stupid, or—at best—maybe "street smart."

We want to raise kids who know they are intelligent in some way, but—even more importantly—kids who know that everyone they interact with is also intelligent in some way. We want to raise kids who see the value of other people, encourage them in their strengths, and support them in their weaknesses. If we have a child who's gifted in a socially glorified type of intelligence, we don't want that to be a license to look down on anyone else. Likewise, if linguistic or logical intelligence isn't the way God has gifted our child, we don't want her to ever feel "less than" because of that—because she isn't. 

6) Sharing is a choice.
Think about sharing with peers as an adult. If you're at a conference taking notes and someone takes your pen from you or says, "I want a turn," what would your reaction be?

Maybe, "I'm sorry, I'm using it right now" or "I'm sorry, but this is my pen. Do you have one of your own?" Imagine the conference leader coming over and saying, "No, you have to share. Give that person your pen."

Absurd. Adults aren't forced to share things that belong to them against their will. In fact, that can be kind of a dangerous precedent. You probably know someone (or ARE someone) who gives away too much of themselves or lets others use their things when it makes them sad or uncomfortable—maybe even their own bodies.

Sharing is important. It teaches patience, self-sacrifice, and how to engage in the give-and-take that makes the world go 'round. But if we force children to share in the wrong way, I think it sends a bad message.

If a child is actively playing with something that belongs to her, it's her turn—until she decides to stop. She is not morally obligated to interrupt what she's doing to make someone else happy. If it's a toy that belongs to a friend or the whole family, then the child doesn't "own" it, and when she's finished it's appropriate to let others use it too. But if it's a toy that's special to her, she may choose not to share it even when she isn't using it. We do this as adults all the time. Just because I'm not wearing my favorite ring that Nana gave me doesn't mean I have to let a friend borrow it.

And it goes both ways. If someone else is playing with a toy, your child might have to wait a long time for her turn, and if it's someone's special toy, she may never get to use it. Sharing is caring, sure. But having and respecting boundaries is caring too.

7) You can do hard things.
All of this is hard. But one mantra that we want to teach our kids from Day 1 is that they can do hard things.

When Gideon, my nephew, was about fourteen months old, I got to hang out with him one-on-one and I said something about him being strong. He looked at me and said, "What is that?" and I paused because it felt like an important moment of definition. I wanted him to know that there are different kinds of strong, that the word doesn't just mean physical prowess, but I knew I had to tell him something simple enough to be useful for his little toddler brain. After a second I said, "If you are 'strong,' that means you can do hard things," and that's a definition I've continued to feel good about.

~Stephanie

I'm Glad God Made Us Wait

In January 2024, I wrote a post called The Fourth Heartbreak Continues. In it, I reference the post I made in January of 2020 where I processed how heartbroken I was to be called to move away from Raleigh, but I knew that I could trust God's plan. In Heartbreak Continues, I admitted that I still didn't know why God had upended our Raleigh life, and that I was actually pretty bitter about it.

I definitely didn't know why we weren't getting pregnant. I looked around and people were getting pregnant by accident, or getting pregnant despite eating like garbage, or getting pregnant despite never moving their bodies. It honestly didn't make me angry or sad, it just confused me. Gabe and I were physically healthy (doctor-confirmed) and financially stable, had a healthy marriage, and I was dedicated to eating well and exercising, while being careful to eat enough calories and not put too much stress on my body. I didn't drink alcohol or caffeine, and I ate weird stuff like oysters and roasted tomatoes that were supposed to help with fertility.

It didn't feel RATIONAL, like writing 2 + 2 = 4 on a math test and having it marked "wrong." I was more indignant than sad, more confused than angry.

Even more confusingly, I was quite happy the way things were. I have a draft of a post called "Pregnancy Ambivalence" that will probably never see the light of day now, but in it I talked about how I was 100% certain that I wanted kids—however, if it weren't for a biological clock, I wouldn't necessarily want them NOW. I loved having a clean house and going on random roadtrips and getting sleep and working on the Fire Faery Story and not being interrupted when I talked to Gabe and eating out on a whim and never having to get a sitter. I was really happy, but due to the aforementioned biological clock, I was also under a lot of pressure to have kids ASAP, because I really, REALLY did want kids.

It was all very confusing—lots of moving pieces, lots of mixed feelings. We prayed to get pregnant for years, and I know other people were praying with us. But nothing happened, and I couldn't understand why.

I did trust God, and not because I was a good Christian girl who had a lot of faith, but because God had been extremely kind in letting me see a lot of past answers to "why not right now?" Maybe he knows how much I need proof, but he eventually allowed me to see why I didn't get into Wake Forest, why my high school boyfriend and I didn't work out, why Gabe and I didn't start dating sooner, etc. I really did trust that if Gabe and I weren't having kids, God had a good reason.

But what the hell was it?!

Well, we are finally pregnant, and God has been kind enough to open my mind to some small reasons and one BIG reason why now is a better time.

Small Reason 1: We have a house.
Yes, we were financially stable before, but where were we gonna put a baby in the apartment? I have no doubt we would've figured it out, but our apartment was FULL. We did not have an extra bedroom. What we did have? A third-story climb to reach our front door and neighbors from Hell on four sides.

Small Reason 2: I got to do my big 30th birthday beach trip.
That was probably the most magical trip of my entire life, and it would have been an ordeal with a baby or toddler. We would have had to either find childcare for an entire week or bring the kid with us, which would have altered the vibe in all kinds of ways I wouldn't have wanted.

Small Reason 3: I'm medicated.
Depression is still a struggle, but before medication, I was...becoming next to useless. There's no way I could have taken good care of a baby or toddler when there were weeks where I couldn't get out of bed, brush my own teeth, or eat my own meals. I have hard days now, but I don't have a lot of impossible days.

Small Reason 4: I've paused work on the Fire Faery Story.
To be honest, this might be more accurately added to a list of "HOW we finally got pregnant" instead of "why." The Fire Faery Story takes  e v e r y t h i n g  I have. All of me. Actually, it clearly takes MORE than what I have, because it's still not done yet. It's basically my first child, and I think I can only gestate one baby at a time. For years I chose the FFS, but when I took a YEAR off...my mind and body finally had room for a human baby.

Small Reason 5: I didn't need or enjoy my home office.
For the first time ever, in the new house I had a whole room dedicated to my work. It was fun to decorate it and hang up art that was all about me...but I didn't actually like being in there. It was the longest possible walk from the living room and kitchen. I felt kinda marooned and would actually avoid working in there, instead opting for the kitchen table or couch.

Small Reason 6: We didn't know what to do with "the big room."
Most of our second floor is a loft/bonus room. We kicked around a lot of ideas about what to do with it, but none of them inspired us. The space was a purposeless void—until we needed a nursery and everything clicked: we could integrate my office and all the bookshelves into the big room. We did it over Martin Luther King Jr. Day and oh. my. GOSH. This is EXACTLY what the big room was meant to be! It looks like a real room now, and I actually love working in the space. It's big enough that when Tot gets older, she can easily play in the room while I work.

Small Reason 7: I got a raise.
Boy, is that divine timing, especially since I'll be taking some time off when the Tot is born.

Small Reason 8: I can suddenly swallow pills?
I dunno. I've always choked on anything bigger than, like, a single sprinkle, but for some reason about six months ago my body was like, "Oh, you mean swallow the pill. Like food," and now everything is better.

The Big Reason: Gabe and I are completely different people than we were five years ago.
When we first started trying to get pregnant, my goal would've been to raise smart, tough kids. I didn't know there was a difference between transparency and vulnerability. I didn't know anything about boundaries or attachment theory. I probably would've believed in spanking my kids. My plan for tantrums would've been simply to cut them off, forbid them. I knew nothing about child psychology or development.

Now I'm obviously no child psychologist or parenting expert, but holy cow am I glad Past Me didn't have kids.

My goal is no longer to raise smart, tough kids. My goal is raise to raise kind, well-regulated kids. My goal is to be a parent who apologizes, and takes responsibility for her own emotions, and makes her kids feel seen.

I know Gabe and I aren't finished growing, and 2035 Stephanie will look back on Now Me and have a lot of notes. But I cannot believe I'm fortunate enough to be able to say,

"God, I think I'm finally starting to get it. Thank you for making us wait."

~Stephanie

The Riskiest Post to Date

I am cripplingly aware that the "best parents" are people who don't have kids yet, which makes me self-conscious/embarrassed/hesitant to post anything parenting- or baby-related that Gabe and I have been talking about. We don't actually know what we're doing, and the likelihood is so high that I'm setting myself to fail or to write things that will discourage me when I look back on them years later.

Since I was twelve, I've kept a Valentine's Day Journal where I chronicle each Valentine's Day, and in 2020, I started saying, "Maybe this is the last Valentine's Day just the two of us!" and every year, I'd look back on that, still childless, and feel bitter and discouraged. If I now put into writing our goals and plans and hopes and parenting theories, then I have a checklist with which to give myself a failing grade in as little as 12–24 months (not to mention people often feel they have the right to critique, and that's exhausting).

However. This blog is called "Becoming Me," and since its inception in 2019, it has been the place where I record the thoughts I'm having and changes I'm making with regard to evolving as a person. Upgrading to "Mom" is probably THE BIGGEST change I'm ever likely to make. It would be insane not to process my thoughts and struggles here.

So, here I go, opening myself up to critique from all of y'all and, even worse, Future Me.

Gabe and I went away last weekend to plan: books to read, birth plan, courses to take, boundaries that are important to us, parenting ideas, etc. Most of that doesn't warrant a lot of unpacking. The books we ordered were Good Inside; Boundaries in Marriage; Hunt, Gather, Parent; and Simplicity Parenting. The birth plan basically boils down "I want to be left alone and given the freedom to listen to my body." The courses we signed up for are "Built to Birth," a Red Cross infant CPR class, and a giant on-demand course called Parent Prerequisite that has videos on everything you could possibly want the first year.

The more interesting, fun, and risky conversations surrounded boundaries that are important to us, and our general stab at parenting philosophy. I think this post will be about the second one.

The Airbnb where we stayed had a fire pit and s'mores supplies, so we sat by the fire, ate, and brainstormed on paper. No goal, limits, or sorting at first, just things that were important to us or phrases that felt foundational. The page became littered with things like "you are loved," "independent play," "psychologically, meltdowns cannot be teachable moments," and "listen to your body." It was fun letting our minds unfurl and seeing where we agreed or brought something brand-new to the conversation.

After brainstorming and talking, we took some time by ourselves to take a break, read, whatever. I ended up sorting the brainstorm session into four categories, which are like a draft of our parenting pillars/philosophy. It is those that I'm going to record here, knowing that we know nothing 🤣

Healthy Religion
- You are loved.
- God is powerful and mysterious.
- God works through people.
- Know thyself.
- "God made you special, and he loves you very much."

Listen to Your Body
- Independent play
- Baby-led weaning
- Food/eating is neutral.
- Allow risks, remove hazards.
- We don't talk about other people's bodies.
- Your body belongs to you (and God).

Mental Freedom
- Your boundaries matter.
- Imagination
- Reading
- Independent play
- There are different types of intelligence.
- Sharing is a choice.
- You can do hard things.

Emotional Intelligence
- Regulation tools
- Meltdowns are not teachable moments.
- You can be mad, but you can't be mean.
- All feelings are welcome; all behaviors are not.
- Everyone is responsible for their own feelings.

I'm literally sweating putting all this out there XD Which, I know, is a choice. Like, I could just not say any of this out loud.

*stares at the wall and nods*

But here we are.

My plan is to write a post about each of the four categories to help myself think through what I mean. There's also the added benefit that, if you're reading this, we want you in our baby's life, and being on the same page can only make that richer and smoother for everyone ☺️

Here's to publicly diving into a sea of ignorance and naïveté. *raises bottle of coconut Bai water*

~Stephanie

Second Trimester Blog: Part 1

A photo so that when I share the link to Facebook, it doesn't default to me in a sports bra 🙃

The Metertot and I are twenty weeks into the pregnancy today. Halfway through.

When 2025 hit and it ticked over into "baby year," I'm not gonna lie: my main emotion was some blend of shock/fear/horror. I didn't realize that I'd been holding a buffer of "it's next year," but apparently I was. I've been making notes and populating timelines for months (years, in some cases), but many of my to-dos were labeled as things to take action on in January.

Well folks, it is January. And the amount of time I've been pregnant? That's approximately the amount of time I have left before we meet Miss Metertot in the flesh. So like, what I was doing at the end of August/beginning of September? You know how recent that feels? That same distance forward is all that's separating me from being a mom, forever.

It's all good. It is ALL good. But it's also just plain HUGE.

Anyway, here's what's been going on baby-wise for the last eight weeks.

Week 14
Symptoms: couple of bad heartburn evenings. Gabe realized he can feel my uterus from the outside, and he gasped and looked at me all starry-eyed :) The next day I felt it too. I don't know why I didn't just reach down and feel it when he did.
Cravings: None

Week 15

Symptoms: I CAN EAT TUNA AGAIN. I'm happy, talkative, socially comfortable. It's like I'm ovulating all the time. Boobs are huge. Also I have to nap at some point between 1–3pm. Have to. It's like I pass out.
Cravings: None




Week 16
Symptoms: feel like my body smells bad all the time
Cravings: virgin Bloody Mary?!



For the record, it tasted like the single best thing I've ever, ever, EVER eaten or drunk in my life. I doubt I'll ever have such a perfect experience as that ever again.

Week 17

Symptoms: little bit constipated maybe. Gabe says I'm glowing :)
Cravings: None



Week 18

Symptoms: continuing to feel like I smell bad all the time.

Notes:
- Struggling to reconcile my wardrobe of cropped sweaters with my paneled maternity jeans.
- Packed away all the clothes that aren't comfortable right now and I'm finally excited to get dressed again!
- Boobs are HUGE. They are an accessory. Gabe was like "HOLy crap" when he saw me in a normal scoop-neck shirt.
- Ate an entire carton of blueberries in one day. Half a day, actually.



Week 19

Symptoms: pregnancy brain (in fact, that's been going on for a little while now), fingernails breaking more than usual?
Cravings: blueberries/yogurt with blueberries, chocolate milk

One day this week, my pregnancy app's daily tidbit was something like, "Your hair and nails are probably growing long and strong these days! However it's also normal for your fingernails to miss the memo and become brittle. If that's the case, make sure you're getting enough calcium."

Well, my nails have gone the slightly brittle route, so it looks like another case of my body being ahead of the game with its cravings :) Bodies are so cool.



Week 20


Symptoms: nothing so far, but I'm only one Day 1!
Cravings: 

Basically the second trimester has been incredible so far. I would be able to forget I'm even pregnant if it weren't for the fact that I feel noticeably BETTER than I did when I wasn't pregnant. As I start to get bigger, I know the discomfort is coming, but right now I'm just having a really great time :)

~ Stephanie