It's no secret that this December has been a bad time for the Meters. Possibly the worst ever. Worse than the Christmas I broke up with an emotionally abusive boyfriend for the final time and couldn't get myself to eat for four days.
But don't worry. This is not another Woe is Me post. In fact, it's kind of the opposite. It occurred to me in the shower yesterday that God has shown me three very clear, very key things in the last week.
1) Much less needs to be said than what I've been saying.
A few days ago, along with a terrible sore throat, I lost my voice, and—guys—I talk a LOT. I'm talking (ha) my thoughts, my experiences, active listening, filling silences, narrating life for Elle. If you'd asked me last week if I talk too much, I would have said yeah, probably. But I wouldn't have known how MUCH too much until I lost my voice and noticed every time I wanted to say something and couldn't.
First of all, it was a lot of times. But more interestingly, second of all, being silent didn't make as much of a difference as I expected. It turns out I don't need to say "mhmm" and "yeah" all the time. I can just listen. I don't need to restate in order to show someone I'm tracking with them. I don't need to contribute to every conversation. Honestly, I think I've been wearing myself out with words for no good reason. It would be more peaceful for everyone involved if I cut down my vocalizing by a solid 30%.
(I also discovered that because I'm an external processor, I felt like I couldn't THINK for three days. That made much MORE of a difference than I expected.)
2) If I can survive the last month, I can survive.
In the last three weeks, I was sick, then Elle was sick, then Gabe was sick, then I was sick again. Since Thanksgiving, I think there's been one day that everyone was well. Nights have been painful and sleepless, days have been uncomfortable and exhausting. But guess what.
We're still here. Elle is still alive. I don't think she's accrued any additional trauma.
I thought life was nigh impossible before this storm of illness, but we've done life EVEN THROUGH THE SICKNESS, which means—I hope—that regular life might seem a little bit more doable once the haze of Influenza A clears. Dear God, please let it be so. If I can survive when sick, then I can certainly survive when well.
3) I can have everything I want on paper and still be unhappy.
I know that sounds bad, but it's actually a really good revelation. In the last ten years, God has been incredibly kind to me. I've graduated college, gotten married, bought a car, bought a house, had a baby. Check, check, check, check, check. Some things happened on the timeline I imagined (graduating college), some things took WAY longer than I thought they would (having a baby). Many times I was impatient or wondered if I'd ever have X, and each time I could feel the secret assumption in my head whispering, "Once you have X, you'll never be unhappy again."
Typing that out, I see how insane it is, but I genuinely had that thought when Gabe and I got engaged, and again when I got pregnant. "This is it," I would think. "This is everything I've ever wanted. Anything that happens after this will be bearable because I have this." But each time, I would find the novelty wearing off and depression or disappointment or just regular life tainting my spirit.
In the shower a few days ago, it finally hit me like God walloping me with ton of bricks: "I can have everything I want on paper and still be unhappy." Things will not make me happy. Other people will not make me happy. Nothing on my grand to-do list or wishlist will make me happy forever.
Only God can fill the void in my soul, and even then, I won't always "be happy." That's not what life is about. Life is about the full experience of being alive, and that comes with every flavor of emotion.
In a way, the revelation felt like a relief, like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I can stop trying to satisfy myself. Only God can truly satisfy me. I can just STOP IT. I can just LET IT GO. What freedom! What a relief! I don't need to keep trying to be happy, or scolding myself when I'm not.
For a moment, it felt like I could breathe, which was quite a feat given my stopped up nose and urge to cough with every deep breath.
So yeah. Merry Christmas Eve Eve, or Christmas Adam, or whatever you want to call it.
I am so grateful that God never gives up on me.
~Stephanie
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