Bettering, Backsliding, Becoming

Ugh, it's happening again. I'm feeling Changes.

However, it's almost more like a return, a reversion.

For a few months there, I was feeling kind of serene and mature. I was using reusable bags, keeping my apartment clean, and stretching before bed.

I'm still doing those things, but they no longer feel like A Big Deal or something I really care to blog about. If more, similar self-improvements descend upon me, I'm sure I'll post about them, but right now my mind is in a more...sarcastic? dark? edgy? place. It's not my FAVORITE version of myself (I really liked feeling serene and mature), but it is—at least historically—more ME, and that is what this blog is supposed to be about: becoming me, whoever that turns out to be.

It might've started with reading Mistborn, getting back into the Fire Fairy Story, and now doing NaNoWriMo.

Pretty soon after those things, my friend Aaron-in-Texas (as he's known to my family) reminded me that Breaking Benjamin exists. Right away I created a Spotify playlist called "Highschool" and filled it with Breaking Ben, Evanescence, Linkin Park, As I Lay Dying, Shinedown, Flyleaf, Skillet, and some random outlier songs like Natalia Kills's "Zombie," Adam Lambert's "Whataya Want from Me" (which is murder to try to spell for Spotify), and a few Globus songs. (Thank you, I did have eclectic taste.)

Then, I injured my right shoulder somehow. I can't do bicep curls, lat pulldowns, or anything shoulder-y. Despite still being able to do cardio, legs, abs, and left arm exercises, this injury has utterly shot my gym motivation. I went from going 4–5 times a week to going 2–3 times. I was supposed to lift legs today [Tuesday, November 5], but it's 5:30pm as I type this and I know full well I'm not going to. I'm still macro counting, but my MyFitnessPal pie chart looks ridiculous because I'm barely trying to stick to my goals.

[Okay, NOW, it's Friday, November 8, and with the help of Gabe, I've been to the gym three days in a row and am starting to feel better about this aspect of my current self. It is amazing how much exercise can affect your mood and mental health. It's so easy (at least for me) to "fall off the wagon" and then just kind of lay there, unable to get up without a lot of help/external motivation.]

On the whole I'm feeling more familiar to myself these days, and I cannot figure out how to put that into words. I'm feeling darker, but not heavier; sharper, but not meaner. I'm feeling more like my "high school self," but minus the angst and drama (I mean, if there IS any high school self left after those are subtracted).

I'm feeling more this,

and less this:

More this,

and less this:

I'm not complaining and I'm not concerned. I'm not looking for reassurance that "it's ALL me, just different parts of me." I know that. I guess I'm just fascinated by the phases. Maybe I'll always be this way, vacillating between new and old, light and dark, peaceful and sarcastic. I recognize that both versions are me, it's just going to be interesting to watch the Old/Dark/Sarcastic I feel returning try to coexist with the New/Light/Peaceful I've been cultivating.

~Stephanie