"That Hurt My Feelings": Part 3

Disclaimer: There's a chance I'm just in a bad mood [June 24]. I may still decide to publish this, for tRAnsPaRenCY, but we'll see.

A minute ago, I was flipping through old posts on this blog and I found these: "That Hurt My Feelings": Part 1 and "That Hurt My Feelings": Part 2.

Those posts feel so far away*. I had forgotten that for twenty-five years I didn't know the difference between being "open" and being "vulnerable."

To be honest, I feel nostalgic for the person I was back then. Remember when nothing hurt my feelings? Remember when I was fine? Remember when I could handle whatever? Those were the damn DAYS, man.

And I could go back to them, easily. I can turn off my feelings. (Gabe compared this ability to a vampire's ability to "turn off their humanity" in The Vampire Diaries. Accurate.) When I'm watching something that might be heartstring-tugging, I can turn off the part of me that would feel it. I used to live like that 24/7 because...well, to be honest, I don't think I knew another way to be. I don't think I realized that there was a doe-eyed little crybaby lurking inside of me. I thought non-vulnerable me was me. And maybe she was/is, I don't know.

Ever since learning about the Enneagram, I've been making an effort to grow in this area. I've been trying to tell more people (and by "more" I mean like two, in addition to Gabe) when they hurt my feelings. I've been trying to feel more.

Telling People When They've Hurt My Feelings: A Review
"4/10, cannot recommend yet. More than half the time it ends with a 'Sounds like a You problem; you're too sensitive.' The other 40% of the time, when the person owns it and apologizes, it makes you feel instantly sheepish and embarrassed, like you were in the wrong for being hurt in the first place. I give the practice 4 and not 0 because I'm trying to trust the process. I trying to believe that one day it'll feel like progress instead of masochism."

Feeling More: A Review
"3/10, cannot recommend yet. I'm sadder more often. I have to be more careful about what I watch/read/listen to, if I'm gonna do it with my feelings turned on. Gabe appreciates my effort. I think his Four heart is encouraged to see me feel more. I'm sure he'd defend what he sees as progress. It doesn't feel like anything to me, except being weaker."

So far, trying to become a more vulnerable person does not make me feel stronger. It makes me feel weaker. I don't know if I'm not doing it right, or if it's a process that takes—apparently—longer than three and a half years. I can't think of ANYTHING I've tried to do for that long and felt no progress on. I feel like I'm touchier, moodier, and less fun to be around. Regular life feels like a battle I've decided to walk into without armor.

I think maybe I'm just in a bad mood right now. I told someone [not Gabe, obviously] that he hurt my feelings today and he responded by saying I was being a "brat" and a "baby." Most of me agrees with him. The temptation to "turn off my humanity" is so strong. I could absolutely stop feeling. It's difficult for me to remember why that's not the best option for everyone.

On an intellectual level, I understand that broadening my capacity for sadness should also broaden my capacity for joy, but I was pretty joyful before all this junk. I would not say that I experience more joy now than I did then. I definitely experience more sadness.

Is this normal? How long is it supposed to take before vulnerability and feeling things pays off? Or maybe this just isn't for me?

I'll try to come back to this when I'm not feeling...like this.

~ Stephanie

* Oh jeez, I just realized that that's the time I said I'd been struggling ever since. Have I been struggling because of this openness/vulnerability revelation? Did I accidentally break myself in 2019? XD