"That Hurt My Feelings": Part 2

For context and part one, I would highly recommend reading "'That Hurt My Feelings' Part 1." If you don't have time for that, here's what happened in a nutshell: This podcast about songs written for the Enneagram types blew my mind with the revelation that my whole life I've just been "open" when I thought I was being "vulnerable."

I'm an Enneagram type Eight: passionate, assertive, dedicated to justice, and terrified of betrayal. The second podcast quote/concept that brought me up short was this:

2) "This word 'vulnerability' comes from the Latin word for 'wound,' and to be vulnerable means to be 'wound-able'..."

Somewhere in the podcast—or maybe it's just implied, because I can't find it right now—Chris talks about how difficult it is for Eights to confess when they've been hurt, to say the words, "Hey, that hurt my feelings."

My actual reaction:

Wait, I thought, feeling slightly panicked. Do other people actually TELL PEOPLE when they've been hurt?! Do other people say, "Hey, that hurt my feelings?!" Past the age of, like, five?

I don't do that. I do NOT do that. The concept is foreign, uncomfortable, and slightly ridiculous to me. Why would someone do that? Why would you walk up to the Indians* and say, "Hey, here are some guns, and by the way I don't wear armor on my back."

I vividly remember the handful of times people have come to me and said, "Hey, when you did X, it really hurt my feelings."

I feel like they've just pulled their pants down in the middle of the mall. I feel like asking them if they know they said that out loud. I feel like they've just handed me an endangered aquatic animal and I'm holding it, dripping, out in the air, afraid it might die at any second but, like, there's not an ocean around, so what am I supposed to do with it?

To my memory, I have only ever told one person that he hurt my feelings, and it was Gabe, and it was in the past six months, and I remember it feeling really, really weird.

[I feel like I need to add that I genuinely don't get hurt very often. It is very hard to offend me personally. I was an English major, and we basically major in putting ourselves out there and having someone (constructively) criticize us. I am all about "breaking bones til they're better." But...apparently this isn't because I'm good at being vulnerable; it's because my collection of vulnerabilities is guarded deeper and better than most.]

Yesterday at regular small group, the concept of vulnerability came up AGAIN, and that coupled with the Sleeping At Last podcast had Gabe, Cassidy, and me talking about this revelation on the way home.

I told them about my revelation of openness versus vulnerability, and told them that I wanted to work on this, but that I didn't know how. I've always thought I was being vulnerable, but it turns out I've just been open. So what IS vulnerability, and how do I do it?

They said some things, and gave examples, but I was all like, "Yeah, I don't mind sharing that at all. That must not be vulnerable for me?"

Gabe suggested, "It would be like—and this is just a really concrete example—going up to someone and saying, 'Hey, here are some things that would make me really sad or really bother me. Just so you know.'"

"Okay..." I said slowly, fighting back the inner screams of WHY WOULD SOMEONE EVER DO THAT?

"It would be things you don't want people to know," Cassidy said. "Like weaknesses or fears."

"Okay..." Some very specific thoughts and ideas came to mind. "Okay, I'm starting to get some. And...maybe I'm not ready to vulnerable because I definitely don't want to say them."

As a Four and a Nine, they didn't push.

This post does not end in my being vulnerable. Not today. Today you just get some more openness. But I'm aware of the difference now, and I'm beginning to approach it.

Actually, here's something that feels a little vulnerable, because I have not wanted to tell you: If you want to know me on a level I'm not entirely comfortable sharing, I'd suggest listening to the Sleeping At Last podcast on the song "Eight."

~Stephanie

* Don't come at me with the PC police. I'm just going off the idiom of "selling guns to the Indians."