You may remember me writing about striving for healthier boundaries XD In June, I read Boundaries, Gabe and I had a life-planning weekend trip, and I committed to holding several specific boundaries for the next six months, June to January.
Well, boundaries are difficult to adhere to, and I haven't been doing a great job. I think the main reason is that I have an unhealthy relationship with other peoples' feelings and opinions.
As a kid I was labeled "lazy." I was also labeled "selfish." As a kid, neither label bothered me. People could label me all day long and I'd continue being/doing largely what I wanted. However, somewhere along the line I became interested in self-improvement, and all the labels started mattering to me. I leaned into my ENFJ, away from my Eight, and decided to make other people the most important thing, to overcompensate for naturally being "so selfish."
My MBTI type is an "extroverted Feeling type." The primary way I see the world is by registering other peoples' feelings. (How *I* feel is so far down the list of factors that I often can't figure it out even when I'm trying. It feels like the absolute least important factor of any scenario, because I know I can handle feeling whatever/anything*.)
For me, this means that during dance class, I'm consumed with the fact that one person in the group isn't getting the choreography and is feeling embarrassed about it. At church, I can't hear what the speaker is saying over the roar of how he accidentally made someone in the second row feel silly. At movie nights, I can't focus on the film because of how much the person on my left dislikes someone across the room. When I accidentally take someone's seat, I feel how awkward THEY feel having to deal with it. When Person A recommends a book to Person B and Person B doesn't care, all I can worry about is how Person A must be feeling.
Now, before this starts sounding selfless and angelic, I need you to know that it's not XD Just because I'm in tune with other peoples' feelings doesn't necessarily mean I'm sympathetic. It might mean I'm annoyed because it's distracting. It might mean I feel like I'm being manipulated when I'm absolutely not.
And being others-focused can also be a form of self-focus: how are others feeling about ME? Do they think I look bad in this outfit? Did they expect me to be more interesting than I am? Do they think my shifting priorities as a Christian are a sign of succumbing to "the world"? Some things don't get factored in—like I'll never care that you think I shouldn't have tattoos or listen to metal—but other things are impossible to ignore.
Recently on a trip, I found myself so wrapped up in what others were thinking and feeling that I couldn't focus on anything else. I tried to stop, wanted to see how long I could go before I was consumed by the wants/needs/opinions/feelings of others. I literally couldn't go, like, a couple of minutes. It was all I could focus on.
One of the things I committed to doing until January was not going to church while I heal from "shoulding," unless I felt specifically called to go one week. Well, I've been doing a horrible job of that.
I skipped a couple of weeks, people would ask Gabe where I was or text me saying they missed me, but then there would be a church function I needed to be at, or Gabe wouldn't be able to attend one week and I felt like at least one of us should be there, or blah blab blah and I'd end up going. Then I'd go another week in a row. And I could imagine the people around me thinking, "Okay good, I'm glad she's gotten whatever it was out of her system and she's back now."
Well, I shouldn't be. I still need to be gone. My boundaries and my feelings are too messed up for me to return in a healthy manner right now. I know that. God knows that. Gabe knows that. My therapist knows that.
But other people don't, and their thoughts/feelings/opinions are all. I. Can. Register.
It's not other peoples' fault. They aren't manipulating me or guilting me or projecting onto me. No, *I* am the one taking on other peoples' stuff when I shouldn't. Other peoples' opinions of me are none of my business. Other peoples' feelings about me are not within my boundaries to control. They can think/do/say/feel whatever is natural for them and that doesn't have to affect me.
In theory.
This is really hard for me. I don't want people to walk on eggshells around me or worry about me**. I don't want other people to DO anything; they don't even have to be understanding or kind. They can be whatever, and I can be whatever, and we'll all work on our own stuff, the stuff that's within our own boundary lines.
I still believe in community and accountability and not making a brother stumble and a bunch of other stuff that probably feels contradictory to some of this, but that's another post (or five).
I dunno. All this to say: boundary work is hard, I guess.
~Stephanie
* Emotionally. Physically, a hangnail will take me out.
** So why am I vomiting this onto the internet? Partly because writing is the best way I can access my own thoughts and feelings, partly because these posts seem to be helping other people wrestle through their own stuff, partly because I'm a validation-seeking millennial. You can assign the percentages however you want.
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