Boundaries: The Laziness Breakthrough

(Honestly, I don't even know how I plan to make this a whole post, because it was literally one moment of thought, but here we go.)

I've blogged before about how in my childhood I internalized a lie about myself: that I am lazy.

Gabe, bless him, has been trying for years to convince me that I'm not, but that false belief about myself has been welded onto my soul. It didn't seem to matter how many times Gabe told me I wasn't lazy, or got other people to corroborate the fact that I wasn't, or had me say out loud that I am not lazy. All of it was just water off a duck's back. None of sank in.

That's a weird human quirk, isn't it? That we can know something isn't true, but still...believe it. Still not be able to shake it. It makes me feel kind of crazy. Why are there parts of my mind that I can't access? How can part of me be so independent of my thoughts and intentions? Therapy has been great, but even that hadn't managed to get a meeting with the part of my brain that "knew" I was lazy.

A few weeks ago, I read the book Boundaries. One of my favorite things about the book is that it gives a list of things that are within your boundaries. If you're going to draw boundaries to keep other people from encroaching on your business, that necessarily implies that some things are your business. I plan to blog specifically about that later, but today, it's that simple fact that I want to highlight.

Some things are not your responsibility; some things are. You decide what to say yes to. You decide how you want to spend your time and energy. You decide what you can take on in a healthy manner.

So. The laziness breakthrough.

I was watching a YouTube video, and the creator talked about turning your passions into a business.

"Although you can't do that," my brain grumbled at itself. "Because you're too lazy."

Out of nowhere, this neutral, unemotional head voice said, "You're not lazy. That's just not within your boundaries right now."

Dismissed. No anger. No judgment. No nothing, really, just a wave of a mental hand that said, "No. Not true" and left it there.

I physically froze.

There was no guilt. The crushing sense of judgement I usually feel when confronted with something I "could" (which my brain automatically translates to "should") do was utterly absent.

I felt no weight. It was a giant mental shrug. It was the acknowledgement that yes, I could turn my passions into a business—if I assessed my boundaries and decided that that was within my healthy limits. It currently wasn't, and that was perfectly fine.

I wasn't lazy. I'm NOT lazy. Some things are within my healthy boundaries right now, and some things aren't. As I grow and seasons change, I'll examine my boundaries and see if they should be shifted. There is no glory in doing something I can't do healthily.

And that's it. THAT'S the truth. THAT'S what truth feels like.

I'm not lazy. And do you know what's WILD?

It feels like part of me has known that all along, and it's smiling, glad that the rest of me has finally caught up. I'm gonna guess that that part of me is the Holy Spirit, who will not violate our boundaries, but allows us to do the good work that is ours to do.

(Would you look a that. I did make a post out of one moment of thought XD)

~ Stephanie