Children are the ultimate masters of listening to their bodies. They arrive pre-wired to know when they feel full, hungry, sleepy, safe, dry, in pain. Most adults have lost this skill, for a host of reasons. I (as a completely inexperienced parent) think one of the best things we can do is simply not get in the way of a child's bodily intuition. With that in mind, here are the points/tenants/ideas that Gabe and I came up with and sorted into the Bodily Autonomy category.
1) Listen to your body.
This is a whole separate post, but I believe the body doesn't have an agenda, aside from keeping you safe. It's not trying to trick you or manipulate you. Interpreting the body's signals can be tricky, but it is not going to lie to you. Your body will tell you when you're safe or when something needs to change. You can trust it. I know my kids will probably get sick of hearing me say, "Listen to your body" when it comes to everything from eating to exercising to hugging.
2) Food/eating is neutral.
It seems like people have a lot of food-related issues these days: overeating, under-eating, eating for the wrong reasons, demonizing food groups. I'd like to keep food neutral in our home. Food is fuel. Different foods do different things for (and to) your body. I don't want to cajole the Tot into eating veggies and make dessert a special prize at the end. I don't want to cheer when she tries a new food. I want her to eat when she's hungry, stop when she's full, and try foods if she's interested in them. If we don't make food a big deal, maybe she can grow up without arbitrary or harmful associations.
I've noticed how well Gideon (age two and a half) listens to his body when it comes to hunger. If he isn't hungry, he doesn't want to eat. When his body tells him that he is hungry, he will literally stop mid-play and ask for a snack. He will also stop in the middle of eating his favorite dessert if his body tells him that he's finished, something I don't even think I'm capable of. What a gift to be able to listen to your body without your brain getting in the way and saying, "But it TASTES good and we don't get to have this every day."
3) Allow risks, remove hazards.
I don't know who first coined this distinction, but I really like it. A "risk" is a challenge or uncertainty that a child has the ability to observe and assess for herself. A "hazard" is a danger that is hidden or beyond her skill level to handle. Climbing a tree is risky, but an unexpectedly rotten branch is hazardous. Building a treehouse is risky, but encountering a rusty nail is hazardous. Kids need to be free to explore, even if that means bopping their heads on a table or twisting an ankle when they leap off a platform. Experiencing the cause and effect of age-appropriate risks will help them become better risk-assessors, which ultimately leads to confidence, freedom, and better safety.
4) We don't talk about other people's bodies.
This one has a lot of nuance, a lot of asterisks. I do want Tot to be able to ask questions if someone looks different, whether because of race or physical handicaps or all kinds of things. I almost want to change this point to "We don't talk about other people's weight" or "shape," but I'd like it to extend to things like commenting negatively on acne or body hair, and people's private parts. Your body belongs to you (and God), and it's safe—and important—to become familiar with its parts and names and functions. But just like your body belongs to you, other people's bodies belong to them. That means we don't touch or talk about them unless it's appropriate.
I don't want is to normalize comments about bodies like "he doesn't need that cheeseburger, does he" or "she needs to hit the gym" or "even "she's lost so much weight, she looks great." Instead, I want to teach Tot that what bodies can DO and who people ARE are more important than what they look like. "Look how strong you are" or "See how kind she is" are the things I want Tot to grow up hearing.
5) Independent Play
I talked about this in this in the Mental Freedom post, and I don't have anything to add, except that it belongs in the Body category too. Let kids do their thing.
6) Baby-led Weaning
This concept isn't quite parallel to the others, but we want to do baby-led weaning. When Tot starts to show an interest in solid food (assuming she has teeth at that point), we plan to give her age-appropriate pieces of "real" food instead of going the baby food route.
7) Your body belongs to you (and God).
Unless it is for hygiene or safety reasons, no one has the RIGHT to touch you. No. One. You do not owe physical contact to your parents, your grandparents, your friends, or—one day—your significant other, and you don't have the right to touch other people without their permission either. In our house, there will be a rule during play that if anyone ever says "stop" or "no," we stop and our hands go up, immediately.
(I can see a world where a kid gets drunk on power with this rule, and rapidly goes back and forth with "stop," "go," "stop," "go" just to watch the control they have over a friend or parent. The natural consequence of that will probably be that the friend or parent tires of the game and doesn't want to play any more, and Miss Power Drunk is left bored for a bit.)
Tangent: I kind of have a problem with tickling for this reason. Sometimes bodies reflexively giggle even if we aren't having a good time or don't like something.* I have memories of being maybe two years old and someone at church picking me up and blowing raspberries on my bare tummy all the time. I remember my body laughing, but I HATED it. I tried to avoid this person as much as possible, but I was two, so I didn't have a lot of control over where I went. Because my body would laugh, everyone thought it was fine, and I didn't have language to express how uncomfortable it made me. I'm not saying I think tickling is wrong; I'm just saying that if a kid is squirming away or shying away from you, maybe listen to THAT message instead of their potentially involuntary laughter.
As we get familiar with Tot and she gets familiar with people close to her, we'll all learn each other and we will probably not have to ask permission for every little physical contact. However, people's physical boundaries can change depending on their mood or maturity level, and that is always okay. Your body belongs to you; their bodies belong to them. Just because Tot hugged you seven visits in a row does not mean she OWES you a hug on the eighth. If you assume hugs are always okay and go in for one and she says, "No thank you, not today," then two things are true: 1) you did nothing wrong, since there was strong precedent for that being okay, and 2) she did nothing wrong by asserting her physical preference today.
Now, if you get butt-hurt about it or make her feel guilty/ashamed for taking charge of her own body, THAT'S when you're wrong XD
How amazing would it be if we could raise kids who are baffled if someone acts like they're owed access to other people's bodies? How amazing would it be if we raised kids who were comfortable stating and enforcing their boundaries?
I hope we get to see how amazing it is :)
~Stephanie
*Mm, maybe this is a time when bodies can "lie"? I gotta think more about that.
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