In March 2023, I wrote a blog called Avoid Appearances. Gabe felt like it was controversial, so I never published it, but after rereading it recently, I'm going to. (I did.) I think it's a problem that it feels controversial, which is—ironically—the entire point of the post.
The tl;dr of the post is "I was taught it was inappropriate and/or sinful to reveal the bad side of authority figures." This was brought to my attention by my therapist when I spent a long time circling the idea of someone in my life being unhealthy or problematic instead of just SAYING so.
My therapist and I unpacked that can of worms for a while, but today I realized there might be more to why I couch criticism in euphemisms or hints.
I have a passionate, extreme personality and I process externally. That means that "someone cut me off in traffic" could easily manifest as "some asshole ruined my day" when I begin telling someone about it, but after getting through the initial rage, the story turns into, "No, not really, they just cut me off, but honestly they might not have seen me; that's kind of a blind turn."
Because I know this about myself, I often soften what I say to people. I don't want to shock them, especially if I'm going to land on something less extreme in the end. I don't want people to think I'm too crazy/judgmental/hot-headed/critical to be taken seriously. I recognize that a 7 out of 10 on my scale could register as a catastrophic 11 on some people's. Thus, I temper my words.
But the thing is...sometimes it really is a big deal. Sometimes the person really was abusive, the pain really was intense—and I don't know how to recognize that. I automatically censor and dismiss myself because I believe my perspective is extreme to the point of being inaccurate. When I beat around the bush telling the truth about authority figures, it is sometimes because I don't feel I have permission to label them the way I see them. Maybe I'm just being sensitive. Maybe it's my fault for being so much.
For someone who cares about truth and justice, this is a difficult place to be in. How can I assure that I'm being accurate without being melodramatic?
Fortunately, I married someone who both takes me very seriously and sees the world very differently. I think that's probably the best solution for now: building my perspective in collaboration with a trusted source. That's probably what all of us should do, because even non-extremists have blind spots. As Christians, we should be lovingly checking each other anyway.
Of course, you're always welcome to ask for my uncensored thoughts and reactions, but consider this your warning that it might be A Lot 😂
~Stephanie
