As of right now, Gabe and I don't plan on making Elle say "I'm sorry." This post is me externally processing why in order to see if my gut makes sense on paper.
I recognize that this is a hot take, especially in Christian circles, and I'm holding my philosophy loosely. If I remember correctly, the argument for making children say they're sorry has something to do with practicing repentance early, and the fact that there is value in developing muscle memory for some things before you understand or believe in them.
The reasons I don't subscribe to that practice—as of right now—fall into three categories: 1) it's disingenuous, 2) it builds bad habits, 3) it misses the point.
1) Requiring kids to say "I'm sorry" trains them to be disingenuous.
There is almost nothing less genuine than a child's forced apology (unless it's an abusive partner's apology, which I'm not convinced is unconnected).
We've all seen it: Kid A snatches Kid B's toy. Kid A's mom rushes over and says, "No, no! We don't take toys from someone. Tell him you're sorry." Kid A MIGHT throw a glance in Kid B's direction before saying, "Sorry" and moving on. On a bigger scale, maybe two siblings are screaming at each other and Teen A calls Teen B a name. Parent enters the conversation and demands that Teen A apologize. Teen A rolls her eyes and says, "SORry" before throwing up her hands and leaving the room.
In both cases, the kids aren't sorry—they haven't even had a chance to be sorry. The parent jumped in and demanded that they read a script before any reflecting happened. I certainly can't apologize genuinely .2 seconds after an offense while I'm still heated. I don't know many adults who can. Why would we expect children to be able to rise above a situation and gain perspective enough to deliver a genuine apology that quickly? (Depending on the child's age, they may even be developmentally incapable of being "sorry.")
When we require kids to check the apology box before they actually feel sorry, we train them to use words they don't mean, and that is never a good thing.* That's how you end up with "I apologize even though I know it's lies. I'm tired of her games. I know I'm a liar." In fact, that's a horrible habit to establish, especially early.
2) Requiring kids to say "I'm sorry" builds bad habits.
A lot of adults say things they don't mean. I don't necessarily think that stems from being forced to apologize as kids, but it might be related. Many of us today identify as people-pleasers or "recovering" people-pleasers. We have trouble saying no, holding healthy boundaries, disagreeing with people in authority, speaking up when we don't want to go to that restaurant. We've built a habit of undercutting ourselves, and part of the way that manifests is apologizing too much, even for things that aren't our responsibility or fault.
It's like we were trained to think of "I'm sorry" as a fix-all, catch-all, automatic phrase to deploy when something bad/sad/inconvenient happens. Are we even sorry? Or is it just a verbal tic? I've actually ranted about this here before. Let's not use "Sorry" like a reflex, and let's not program kids to do so either.
3) Requiring kids to say "I'm sorry" misses the point.
This might be my biggest issue with forced apologies. Saying the words "I'm sorry" doesn't make anything right or different, and if we train kids to think that that's a magical resolution formula or the equivalent of taking responsibility, that's dangerous. The real goal is raising kids that recognize when they've hurt someone, want to make it right, and try not to do it again.
To that end, Gabe's and my plan is to teach Elle to notice when her actions negatively affected someone and think about remedies. Something like, "Oh no, the toy hit your friend in the arm. Look how sad she is. Let's see if she wants a hug or a band-aid" and then after the very moment has passed, revisit with "Remember how the toy hit your friend in the arm? Next time, let's make sure you have plenty of room before swinging anything around."
At the end of the day, apologies are just words if they aren't backed by remorse and a plan for the future.
Three Thoughts from the Flip Side
1) Coming at child apologies from the other direction is kind of interesting.
I was thinking about how it feels to be on the receiving end of a forced apology, and it weirdly still feels kind of good? When a kid apologizes to me on command, it still trips a forgiveness trigger in my brain. I wonder why that is. Have we all been conditioned to respond to apologies with indulgence? Apologizing also has a submission component, and I think a lot of us feel uncomfortable or automatically reassuring toward people who "submit" to us. I bet the submission component is another reason the Christian community believes in making kids practice apologizing. That'll definitely have to be a post of its own XD
2) Opposite to the Apologetic Reflex crew, you have those adults who seem incapable of apologizing.
"I'm sorry" rarely, if ever, leaves their mouths, and when it does it's followed by "ifs" that completely negate the sentiment: "I'm sorry if your feelings were hurt"; "I'm sorry if you took that the wrong way." Should those people have been made to say "I'm sorry" more as kids? Or were they made to apologize one too many times for things that weren't their fault? Or do they just have issues that would've raised their heads no matter what? Who knows.
3) We intentionally model apologizing.
I believe (poor Elle, being guinea pig to all this) that we should teach kids to be good adults, which hopefully means teaching them to live the way we do. I particularly want to apply this to language. (You'll notice that adults don't end every single request with "please," so why do we demand kids do that? There are plenty of legitimate ways to be polite without using "the magic word.") To that end, I try really hard to apologize to Elle when I hurt her, whether that's snapping at her to "STOP IT" when she won't quit whining in the car, or backing into her while fixing lunch. My hope is that if I can model apologizing well—for the right things, in the right way—she'll pick that up.
We'll see.
Five Apology Languages
A couple of years ago I heard about The Five Languages of Apology, a theory from a book by Gary Chapman. I haven't read the book so I'm sure I'm missing a lot of nuance, but basically it says that there are "apology languages" just like there are love languages. What feels like a meaningful apology to me might not feel like one to you.
The five languages are: expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, planned change, and requesting forgiveness. My number one is planned change (What are you going to do to make sure you don't do this again?) and Gabe's number one is making restitution (How can you make up for this?). I personally could not care less about you expressing regret—that feels like making the apology about you and your feelings, not me and mine—and requesting forgiveness makes me uncomfortable. It's fascinating to me how it takes different approaches to make us all feel acknowledged and loved.
Anyway, this was quite a collection of thoughts, and I'm super interested to hear others' if anyone feels like sharing. Currently Elle's only words are dada, help, hat, tickle, and bellybutton, so we're a ways away from rolling out this strategy in real life.
~Stephanie
* I haven't actually thought about this yet. Is it ever a good thing? Could it be? Maybe? But for the sake of this post, never a good thing.
