Self-Awareness: Hopefully True, Maybe Ironic

"Everyone suspects himself of at least one of the cardinal virtues, and this is mine: I am one of the few honest people that I have ever known."
~ F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

I don't know if "self-awareness" is a cardinal virtue, but it is a quality of which I like to suspect myself.

Before anything more, I would like to point out that I realize how awkward and ironic this will be if it turns out that I'm fooling myself into thinking I'm self-aware. But I do genuinely want to be self-aware, so if you think I'm not, do tell me.

Actually, now that I dig deeper into my thoughts, I think that's more what I'm trying to say: my "cardinal virtue" isn't that I am self-aware, but that I genuinely want to be. If you think I'm arrogant, please tell me. If you think I'm shallow, please tell me. If you think my tone is too sharp, please tell me.

This is something Gabe and I have been working on since we got married. His default is to let things go, which is a GIANT GIFT FROM GOD because my default is to grab onto everything. If we were both as nit-picky as I am, we'd...well, we'd never have gotten married, that's for sure. If we had anyway someone would definitely be dead by now.

But that quality of his also bothers me, because I feel like I thrive on people calling me out on my crap.

On my very first blog, I would sometimes post excerpts from stories I was writing. People would comment kind, encouraging things. And I hated that. Here is a moment of sheer self-awareness that I often shy away from because #Arrogance:

I know I'm a good writer.

There. I said it.

Now, admittedly, that's right now. Tomorrow I may recant this and insist that I'm average at best, or I peaked when I was a teenager, or a bunch of other different statements that I will believe just as much at that time as the one above. But, on the whole, I know I'm a good writer.

What I want to be is a better writer. And those kind, encouraging comments to my middle-school self were not making me that. I did want to hear what people liked about my stories or style, but where did they see weakness? What didn't they like?

This intense desire to expose flaws and fix them is one of my core qualities. Gabe is getting more and more comfortable with stopping me in a moment and saying, "You're being mean to me," or "You're not listening," or "I think you don't have a good reason for that." And my suspected cardinal virtue kicks in, because I think—and Gabe, please correct me if I'm wrong—that I do a good job of pausing and taking that criticism.

Now, I'm not saying that my other core qualities of Logic and Arguing For The Purpose Of Understanding don't make an appearance too. I will sometimes push back against the accusation of "meanness" if I honestly don't believe it, but Gabe knows that it's because I need to understand and be understood. I go into "cross examination mode," which is definitely not warm and fuzzy, but it is devoid of whatever emotion was overwhelming me a few moments before.

If I was being mean, I explain where I think it was coming from and apologize. If I wasn't listening, I start. If I didn't have a good reason, we discover that and I admit that I need to let go (sometimes, in the moment, I can't yet, but I will at least stop forcing it on the world at large XD).

I have some good qualities, but I'm more interested in the bad ones. What can I fix? What can I understand better? What can I change?

I know I'm intense and self-assured and argumentative, but don't ever be afraid to stop me if you have something to say out of love.

I really do want to know.

~Stephanie