I want to break them right and feel alive.
You were wrong,
You were wrong,
You were wrong:
My healing needed more than time."
My healing needed more than time."
These first two lines made me want to pump my fist in the air and yell, "YES!" at my speakers.
I've spoken about this a tiny bit before: I enjoy working on myself, whether mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically. Often, that involves breaking something in order to fix it. I will figuratively break my bones all day til they're better.
I want to break them right.
When I told Gabe how much those lines made sense to me, he frowned.
"But you don't need to break them in order to make them better," he said.
"You do if the bone wasn't set right when it broke the first time," I told him.
No one knew about Heartbreak #1. After Heartbreak #2, everyone basically patted me on the head and me that time heals all wounds. After Heartbreak #3, I was feeding myself that trite line.
But they were wrong. They were wrong. I was wrong. My healing needed more than time.
If the heartbreak isn't set correctly, it can't heal.
I was messed up after Heartbreak #3, which is very hard for me to admit. Anyone who has been in an extremely toxic or emotionally abusive relationship knows what a number it can do to your heart and head. Had I not gotten the tools to help me process and grow as a person, I might never have healed from it.
For one thing, I needed to learn to see myself the way God sees me. God looks at me and sees brokenness, but he doesn't exploit that or use it to condemn me. He wants to heal me, not use my brokenness as a weapon or an excuse to abuse me, make me feel less. God sees my brokenness and loves the good he sees in me through Jesus. He forgives me. He has my best interest at heart. He wants me to be a part of his plan to prosper me, not to harm me. There is nothing I can do to separate myself from his love.
I can't imagine successfully recovering from heartbreak without this kind of healing love.
For another thing, I needed to experience what it was like to have a healthy romantic relationship, one that didn't end in being socked in the stomach, forgotten, etc.
For a long time, I would not have wanted to admit that Gabe played any role in healing my heart. How gross is it to say that a girl needs a GUY to show her what she's worth, to heal her heart? I can do that on my own, thanks, and if you can't, you're weak and sad.
To some degree, I guess I still believe that XD I know that if Gabe had not come along, God and I would have healed my heart by ourselves. However, I am so thankful that God chose to use Gabe in my healing process.
More on that later.
~Stephanie
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