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Monday, January 29, 2024

The Fourth Heartbreak Continues


Four years ago today, I published this post, called "My Fourth Heartbreak," where I talk about making the decision to move to Winston-Salem for Gabe's job. I talked about how hard it is to leave my friends, my church, my tribe, but I was so confident that God knew what he was doing, and that if he was calling us away, it was to something even better. I said that God's "better" might not be better friends or a better church, but even if it's just a better relationship with him, it'll still be worth it.

Well. I don't know what to make of that post today. I imagine my feelings might be like how it feels to reread your marriage vows after getting divorced.

A lot of unexpected things have happened or not happened in the last four years. When I wrote that post, I didn't know Covid was gonna hit and prevent us from saying goodbye to our friends or our church before moving. I didn't know Covid was gonna keep us from meeting neighbors and making new friends and exploring the new area. I thought I would have kids by now, which would usher in a new season of life and new kinds of relationships. I didn't know I'd lose my personality and willpower to depression.

The Stephanie who wrote that post could rock her life in Winston-Salem. Unfortunately, she died and there's just me. I don't know who to blame for that. Me? God? Covid?

There's no way for me to write this post without making the people who love us here feel inadequate.* Y'all are probably gonna read this and feel some version of, "Well damn, sorry I'm not as good as your Raleigh friends, asshole," and that's fair. If someone I knew wrote a post like this, that's how I would feel too. I don't know what to do with that, but I need to process this anyway, so I'm just gonna keep writing.

Honestly, I don't know why life feels the way it does to me. Maybe it really is something about the aborted grief we're trying to navigate as we mourn the lives—and people—that Covid killed. It's a weird thing to mourn. Being mad a disease isn't profitable, and I'm not really sure if Covid's to blame for what's going on in my heart anyway.

Am I just mad at God? At this point, kinda, yeah. I wasn't four years ago. I was sad, but I trusted God. I trusted that he would bring us Better.

But what we have now doesn't feel better. Certainly not a better relationship with him. I am spiritually sucked dry. I don't even have the spiritual energy to drag my body to the well.

I know tons of Bible characters and tons of people could attest to feeling the same way. It looks like God isn't gonna keep his promises, but he always does. Sometimes it takes him a long time. Sometimes there's wandering around in the wilderness for forty years.

I guess that's what it feels like: wandering around in the wilderness, trying to believe in a Promised Land.**

The January 2020 post ended with, "But I really do trust God. I really do trust my husband. I really do believe that if we're supposed to move, it will be a good thing, and one day I will look back...and know why [God] wanted us to do this."

Well, I still don't know. Maybe it's the friends I'm getting closer to now. Maybe it's being nearer Sarah and James and Gideon and Baby Grace. Maybe it's Gabe serving on the leadership team at Crossroads. Maybe it's Gabe being an awesome engineer at Unifi. All those things sound good, right?

So what's my problem? Maybe it really is just depression? Maybe this life IS the Better and I just can't feel it?

(I don't know if that's better or worse, to be honest XD)

Now that I think about it, I'm a little bit made at Past Me too. I'm mad at her for having so much hope and confidence, because I feel like if she hadn't taken me so high, there wouldn't have been as far to fall. If I had said, "Ugh, this move sucks and it's not gonna get better," then at least things wouldn't be so disappointing. Like if you go into a movie with super low expectations, you usually enjoy the film more.

In general, this is my philosophy. I don't like to get excited about things or hope for things because I feel like I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. Gabe tries to convince me that hope is a good thing, but I don't feel that. Past Me did, apparently, and she was indubitably healthier than I am, so maybe she and Gabe are right. Maybe it's Present Me that has the problem.

(I mean, I don't think any of us doubt that.)

On the whole, I would say maybe I'm doing better lately than I have been. I mean, I did write a couple of super hopeful new year posts less than a month ago (here and here).

Gah, why can't I hold onto to attitudes like that? It's so frustrating.

I think I would've been fine if I hadn't read that post from four years ago. I don't think I realized how far removed I was from the girl and attitude that wrote "My Fourth Heartbreak." Maybe it's like feeling good about your fitness journey and then seeing a picture of yourself from years ago when you were far healthier and being like, "Oh, great. Never mind. I'm definitely still fat."

Sigh. You can't relive the past (Gatsby). You can either run from it, or learn from it (Lion King). All we can do is choose what to do with the time that is given to us (Lord of the Rings.)

Maybe I need to stop reading old blog posts. Maybe I just need to focus on my life now. After all, there is no Past Me anyway. There's only Now Me.

~Stephanie

* I'm genuinely so thankful for the friends I'm getting closer to these days; y'all know who you are. I don't know how to reconcile the genuine joy and gratitude I feel for y'all with what I'm also feeling about having to move and life in general. How can two such opposite feelings exist at once?

** So dramatic. My life isn't a W I L D E R N E S S. How can I even say that with how many good things are going on?!

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