The Riskiest Post to Date

I am cripplingly aware that the "best parents" are people who don't have kids yet, which makes me self-conscious/embarrassed/hesitant to post anything parenting- or baby-related that Gabe and I have been talking about. We don't actually know what we're doing, and the likelihood is so high that I'm setting myself to fail or to write things that will discourage me when I look back on them years later.

Since I was twelve, I've kept a Valentine's Day Journal where I chronicle each Valentine's Day, and in 2020, I started saying, "Maybe this is the last Valentine's Day just the two of us!" and every year, I'd look back on that, still childless, and feel bitter and discouraged. If I now put into writing our goals and plans and hopes and parenting theories, then I have a checklist with which to give myself a failing grade in as little as 12–24 months (not to mention people often feel they have the right to critique, and that's exhausting).

However. This blog is called "Becoming Me," and since its inception in 2019, it has been the place where I record the thoughts I'm having and changes I'm making with regard to evolving as a person. Upgrading to "Mom" is probably THE BIGGEST change I'm ever likely to make. It would be insane not to process my thoughts and struggles here.

So, here I go, opening myself up to critique from all of y'all and, even worse, Future Me.

Gabe and I went away last weekend to plan: books to read, birth plan, courses to take, boundaries that are important to us, parenting ideas, etc. Most of that doesn't warrant a lot of unpacking. The books we ordered were Good Inside; Boundaries in Marriage; Hunt, Gather, Parent; and Simplicity Parenting. The birth plan basically boils down "I want to be left alone and given the freedom to listen to my body." The courses we signed up for are "Built to Birth," a Red Cross infant CPR class, and a giant on-demand course called Parent Prerequisite that has videos on everything you could possibly want the first year.

The more interesting, fun, and risky conversations surrounded boundaries that are important to us, and our general stab at parenting philosophy. I think this post will be about the second one.

The Airbnb where we stayed had a fire pit and s'mores supplies, so we sat by the fire, ate, and brainstormed on paper. No goal, limits, or sorting at first, just things that were important to us or phrases that felt foundational. The page became littered with things like "you are loved," "independent play," "psychologically, meltdowns cannot be teachable moments," and "listen to your body." It was fun letting our minds unfurl and seeing where we agreed or brought something brand-new to the conversation.

After brainstorming and talking, we took some time by ourselves to take a break, read, whatever. I ended up sorting the brainstorm session into four categories, which are like a draft of our parenting pillars/philosophy. It is those that I'm going to record here, knowing that we know nothing 🤣

Healthy Religion
- You are loved.
- God is powerful and mysterious.
- God works through people.
- Know thyself.
- "God made you special, and he loves you very much."

Listen to Your Body
- Independent play
- Baby-led weaning
- Food/eating is neutral.
- Allow risks, remove hazards.
- We don't talk about other people's bodies.
- Your body belongs to you (and God).

Mental Freedom
- Your boundaries matter.
- Imagination
- Reading
- Independent play
- There are different types of intelligence.
- Sharing is a choice.
- You can do hard things.

Emotional Intelligence
- Regulation tools
- Meltdowns are not teachable moments.
- You can be mad, but you can't be mean.
- All feelings are welcome; all behaviors are not.
- Everyone is responsible for their own feelings.

I'm literally sweating putting all this out there XD Which, I know, is a choice. Like, I could just not say any of this out loud.

*stares at the wall and nods*

But here we are.

My plan is to write a post about each of the four categories to help myself think through what I mean. There's also the added benefit that, if you're reading this, we want you in our baby's life, and being on the same page can only make that richer and smoother for everyone ☺️

Here's to publicly diving into a sea of ignorance and naïveté. *raises bottle of coconut Bai water*

~Stephanie

Second Trimester Blog: Part 1

A photo so that when I share the link to Facebook, it doesn't default to me in a sports bra 🙃

The Metertot and I are twenty weeks into the pregnancy today. Halfway through.

When 2025 hit and it ticked over into "baby year," I'm not gonna lie: my main emotion was some blend of shock/fear/horror. I didn't realize that I'd been holding a buffer of "it's next year," but apparently I was. I've been making notes and populating timelines for months (years, in some cases), but many of my to-dos were labeled as things to take action on in January.

Well folks, it is January. And the amount of time I've been pregnant? That's approximately the amount of time I have left before we meet Miss Metertot in the flesh. So like, what I was doing at the end of August/beginning of September? You know how recent that feels? That same distance forward is all that's separating me from being a mom, forever.

It's all good. It is ALL good. But it's also just plain HUGE.

Anyway, here's what's been going on baby-wise for the last eight weeks.

Week 14
Symptoms: couple of bad heartburn evenings. Gabe realized he can feel my uterus from the outside, and he gasped and looked at me all starry-eyed :) The next day I felt it too. I don't know why I didn't just reach down and feel it when he did.
Cravings: None

Week 15

Symptoms: I CAN EAT TUNA AGAIN. I'm happy, talkative, socially comfortable. It's like I'm ovulating all the time. Boobs are huge. Also I have to nap at some point between 1–3pm. Have to. It's like I pass out.
Cravings: None




Week 16
Symptoms: feel like my body smells bad all the time
Cravings: virgin Bloody Mary?!



For the record, it tasted like the single best thing I've ever, ever, EVER eaten or drunk in my life. I doubt I'll ever have such a perfect experience as that ever again.

Week 17

Symptoms: little bit constipated maybe. Gabe says I'm glowing :)
Cravings: None



Week 18

Symptoms: continuing to feel like I smell bad all the time.

Notes:
- Struggling to reconcile my wardrobe of cropped sweaters with my paneled maternity jeans.
- Packed away all the clothes that aren't comfortable right now and I'm finally excited to get dressed again!
- Boobs are HUGE. They are an accessory. Gabe was like "HOLy crap" when he saw me in a normal scoop-neck shirt.
- Ate an entire carton of blueberries in one day. Half a day, actually.



Week 19

Symptoms: pregnancy brain (in fact, that's been going on for a little while now), fingernails breaking more than usual?
Cravings: blueberries/yogurt with blueberries, chocolate milk

One day this week, my pregnancy app's daily tidbit was something like, "Your hair and nails are probably growing long and strong these days! However it's also normal for your fingernails to miss the memo and become brittle. If that's the case, make sure you're getting enough calcium."

Well, my nails have gone the slightly brittle route, so it looks like another case of my body being ahead of the game with its cravings :) Bodies are so cool.



Week 20


Symptoms: nothing so far, but I'm only one Day 1!
Cravings: 

Basically the second trimester has been incredible so far. I would be able to forget I'm even pregnant if it weren't for the fact that I feel noticeably BETTER than I did when I wasn't pregnant. As I start to get bigger, I know the discomfort is coming, but right now I'm just having a really great time :)

~ Stephanie

First Trimester Blog

There are some terms in this journal that you'll need pregnancy definitions for, so I've provided them below:

Increased appetite: a need to eat every two hours otherwise you transform from a functioning human to a withered husk barely able to drag yourself to the pantry in about three minutes

Fatigue: your battery is so low that it manifests in weakness and dizziness (and increased appetite)

Cravings: While—for me—pregnancy cravings feel the same as non-pregnancy cravings, when they're SATISFIED? It feels like a drink of water when you were seconds from dying of thirst (or probably your first sip of blood as a vampire). When a craving is satisfied, it feels like consuming the one and only thing your body was created to consume.

A note about progress photos: Endometriosis means that I can look 4+ months pregnant at nearly ANY time ALL the time. I'm not even kidding. The bloating (or whatever goes on inside of me) is unbelievable. So, in order to have a consistent baseline for tracking progress photos, I've been doing transverse abdominal contractions during photos (the healthy, muscle-based cousin of "sucking in"). I'll know the baby is taking up real space when I do a TVA contraction and there's still a bump :)

Weeks 0–4

Symptoms: Absolutely nothing? Vivid dreams?
Cravings: "Tea cakes." I didn't really even know what that was, but as I sat on the couch reading Rebecca, they kept talking about tea and suddenly I NEEDED a crumbly, mildly sweet, very understated pastry thing. I have baked probably seven times in my whole life, but I Googled "tea cakes" and made myself some. They hit.

Typo below: *thing
Inside reference below: "the Eunice." Maybe I'll explain eventually XD



Week 5
Symptoms: some soreness and bigness in the chest region, increased appetite, trouble sleeping
Cravings: none

Week 6
Symptoms: fatigue, continued chest soreness and bigness, increased appetite, trouble sleeping. Google says you don't need any extra calories in the first trimester. My body gives that the finger with f l o u r i s h.
Cravings: Harley Gordon's baked beans (shoutout to her for talking me through her recipe when I texted DEVASTATED that plain canned baked beans didn't taste right), mint chocolate chip ice cream

Over the last couple of years especially, I've been tracking my cycle in every way, from knowing when my period or ovulation are coming to knowing that I'll have more social energy on Week X or be too tired to lift heavy at the gym during Week Y. My food, workouts, social events, sleep needs, eyebrow waxes (pain tolerance is higher around ovulation), and work tasks have been planned with an eye on my cycle. Suddenly being cycle-less feels like being blind and being unchained at the same time. What do I...do? The road map to my body has evaporated.

Week 7
Symptoms: less fatigued, less fatally hungry, less trouble sleeping, aversions to lots of food (especially protein)
Cravings: strawberry ice cream, tomato soup, mac and cheese





I keep saying to Gabe, "Ugh, I just don't know what's WRONG with me!" whenever I don't want to eat something or don't have the energy to clean the whole house in one day or feel kind of nauseous.

Gabe:


Week 8




I wore the ring Nana gave me and Paw Paw's memorial necklace so that they could be with us too when we told my parents the good news :)

Symptoms: insane evening bloating, food aversions continue
Cravings: frozen blueberry waffles with mini chocolate chips, KitKats, chocolate cake, Mentos



Week 9
Symptoms: nausea, headaches, insane evening bloating, food aversions continue
Cravings: spaghetti with lots of red sauce, elephant-sized portions of veggies (?!), biscuits and gravy. Gabe made biscuits and gravy three nights in a row.





Shoutout to Daniel Griffin for not actually asking XD

Week 10
Symptoms: trouble sleeping, food aversions continue. Aversions are by far the worst part of pregnancy so far.
Cravings: frozen orange juice, citrus in general

Not being in debilitating pain for days every month is the biggest gift of all. Every single pregnancy symptom combined doesn't even come CLOSE to equaling the horror of periods with endometriosis. Can I just keep getting pregnant back to back for the rest of my life? XD

Week 11
Symptoms: nausea, trouble sleeping, food aversions continue
Cravings: nothing new

Week 12


Symptoms: trouble sleeping, food aversions continue
Cravings: nothing new



Week 13

Symptoms: trouble sleeping, ulcers on my gums, my clothes don't fit right, food aversions continue. Every meal is annoying XD When will this stop.
Cravings: nothing

At my most recent scan, I learned that I have an anterior placenta, which just means it'll be later (probably Weeks 22–24) before I can feel the baby kick, because the placenta is positioned between the baby and the outside.

Even though I can't feel anything yet, seeing the baby do a bunch of wiggles on the ultrasound monitor was WILD. I couldn't believe that all that was going on inside of me and yet I wasn't feeling anything?! It feels like the baby and I exist in separate universes, on separate planes of existence, and seeing the ultrasound screen is like peering through a portal.

I also saw the baby's face last time. Spitting image of ET.

~Stephanie

Apparently We CAN Get Pregante*

My period wasn't even late.

I was supposed to start on Monday or Tuesday, but by Sunday night I'd had zero PMS symptoms, which was unusual. I have endometriosis, and I'm usually in pain for at least couple of days before starting. This month, nothing.

That night, I had really vivid dreams. I woke up at 6:00am before my alarm, went to the bathroom in a smooth burst of spontaneous momentum, and took a pregnancy test. I didn't plan to do it. I didn't tell Gabe I was doing it. I don't even remember deciding to.

But this journey starts AT LEAST five days earlier on Wednesday when I had a chiropractor appointment. I usually go on Mondays, but I'd had to reschedule this time, and it was time for my three-month evaluation appointment. A lady named Stacey and I went into a little room together to discuss my progress and anything else I wanted to talk about.

Everyone at the chiropractor knew we'd been trying to get pregnant, so it's something that comes up in evaluations. This time, Stacey—whom I'd never had an evaluation with before—focused on our trying to conceive with more heart and compassion than I was anticipating. Everyone at Twin City Health** is phenomenal and compassionate and attentive, but there was something Different in the room with me and Stacey that day.

As the evaluation drew to a close, Stacey asked if she could pray for me, about getting pregnant specifically.

In all honesty, guys, I was just tired at this point. Gabe and I had both quietly given up hope without telling each other, and I didn't know what God was doing, but "getting me pregnant" wasn't it.

But, like the good, God-fearing ENFJ in the chiropractic office that plays Christian music 24/7, I said, "Sure, I'd love that."

"Do you mind—and this is totally up to you—if I lay hands on you?" Stacey asked.

"I—sure," I said—again, just tired but trying to keep up the act for her benefit. She was being really kind to me and I really did appreciate it.

Stacey prayed for me and laid hands on my stomach, and I tried to keep my mind in the prayer and believe. I've known people who have been healed. I've been around miracles. I already believed they could happen, but they also don't happen for a lot of people, so *shrug*. It occurred to me during the prayer that no one had actually laid hands on me about this before.

I texted Gabe after I left: "During my quarterly chiropractor paperwork check-in a lady prayed for us to get pregnant and laid her hands on my belly :) No one has ever done that for me. We'll see."

And that following Monday, I did see.

My heart actually wasn't pounding when my phone timer went off and I looked at the stick, because I was barely in the moment. Like I said, I hadn't really even meant to take the test, it was just that my dreams that night had felt Different.

There was no doubt about the second line in the little results window.

I went to get Gabe from the kitchen, because he would be leaving for work any minute and I didn't want to have to sit on this all day.

"I need you to come look at something," I told him.

I have no idea what my face or body language was communicating, but he cocked his head, suspicious and maybe distantly suspecting, and followed me back to the bathroom.

I think I just pointed.

"It's early," I think I said. "Obviously. But. I mean. It's there."

"It's there," Gabe breathed, keeping himself tightly in check for me. He knows I don't like to be disappointed, which too often means refusing to get excited in the first place. "It's there. Okay. Okay."

"Okay."

And that is where I sat with it for WEEKS. I made myself go two weeks before calling the doctor, and when we went in for the confirmation ultrasound, I was so convinced the tech was going to murmur, "Oh, I'm sorry" that I mentally missed the first half of the appointment. I clued in with a wand inside of me, my hand inside Gabe's, and the tech saying, "Mmm, see that flutter? That's the heartbeat."

"You mean it's okay?" I said, feeling like I must've glitched into an alternate universe.

"Riiiiiight on schedule for growth," she said.

"Oh." I looked at Gabe, who was radiating quiet joy so big I could practically see an aura.

This is a God thing, 100%. No could could figure out why we weren't getting pregnant, and no one but God knows why we are now.

Except, I feel like I do?

There are a million tiny and not-so-tiny things that God has aligned lately, and I know he's been listening to the prayers of dozens of people lifting us up.

This all feels like a giant exercise in trusting God, which is probably why this post sounds more wary and fearful than joyful and excited. I am joyful and I am excited...but trusting and letting go of control are the two most difficult things in the world for me. They're horrifically uncomfortable physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

The baby isn't even born yet and God's already using it to teach me XD Gabe and I are about to be refined like never before—for the rest of our lives, I hear.

Please continue praying for the health of the baby, for wisdom for me and Gabe, and for me to believe that God wants good things for us.

~ Stephanie

* A reference to this video that makes me and Gabe laugh til we cry.

** I cannot recommend them highly enough. They have done more for me and my health (including interpreting bloodwork, suggesting that I might have endometriosis, explaining diagnoses I've received from doctors, etc.) than any doctor has ever even come CLOSE to doing. Everything that's broken about the medical system is whole at Twin City Health.

Five Reads Later...

So, I'm reading The Great Gatsby again. I guess this is going to be an annual series.

I think the first time I posted about Gatsby, I said I was starting to think the term "great" in the title was sarcastic. I don't remember what I wrote about last year, but the post title has the word "evanescence" in it, so it must've been something about the fleeting, ephemeral vibe of the book.

This year, I'm noticing the narrator, Nick, and coming away with a new perception of him.

Nick begins the book with a piece of advice from his father about not criticizing people because they might not have had the same opportunities he's had. "In consequence," Nick says, "I'm inclined to reserve all judgments."

Nick then proceeds to write a book that is nothing short of a collection of judgments.

Nick also says that he himself is "one of the few honest people [he's] ever known," but does things like "pretend to be surprised." He even says to another character that because he's thirty years old, he's "five years too old to lie to [himself] and call it honor." So, he used to lie, at least to himself? He used to justify dishonesty being calling it honorable?

Nick is the narrator. He's the only way we learn anything about the characters. We don't know what Tom or Daisy or Gatsby or Jordan really meant or thought or felt or even said; we only have Nick's version of it.

Nick who claims to reserve all judgments and to be honest, but who judges people constantly and apparently lies under certain conditions.

On several occasions, Nick is sarcastic.

"Do you want to hear about the Butler's nose?" Daisy whispers to him at dinner.
"That's why I cam over tonight," Nick says. Of course, he's not being serious.

"Oh, do you like Europe?" someone asks Nick later. "I just got back from Monte Carlo."

Nick replies, "Really." You can hear the flat, sarcastic tone Fitzgerald gives him. No question mark. Just a judgmental "Really."

Later, chapters after telling readers that Tom dislikes being labeled "the polo player," Nick asks after "Mr. Thomas Buchanan, the athlete?" in a voice, I imagine, loaded with irony.

When a woman has just been struck by a man at a small party, Nick leaves. He takes his hat from the chandelier and walks out the door, tired of the drama.

For a time, Nick has a "short affair with a girl who live[s] in Jersey City," but ghosts her when her brother starts giving Nick mean looks. This is while he is corresponding with a girl back home to whom he's loosely engaged. He's been writing her weekly letters and signing them "Love, Nick."

At one point, Gatsby tells Nick that their mutual friend Jordan has "kindly offered to speak to" Nick about a matter concerning Gatsby. Nick's reactions are as follows: he's annoyed because he doesn't want to spend his date with Jordan talking about Gatsby, he assumes Gatsby's request via Jordan will be "something utterly fantastic," and for a moment Nick wishes he'd never even met Gatsby if this is how things will go. Up to this point, Gatsby has been nothing but gracious and friendly to Nick, and yet Nick reacts with annoyance, judgment, and pettiness—even if it is just in his head.

Of course, Nick is there for Gatsby at the end. Nick applies himself like a true friend and is justifiably upset at the way humanity treats Gatsby. At the end, Nick is one of the only good, true people.

If we believe him.

Nick might be a very fair narrator. He might be showing us his ideals and his flaws because he is honest. He wants to paint a realistic picture of everyone, himself included, even when that makes him look bad.

Or he might be an unreliable narrator. We don't really have any way to know. We have no one else's account of the characters or events. Maybe he tries to paint himself in a good light, but the truth shines through the cracks.

Maybe no one should be allowed to read The Great Gatsby five times.

For what it's worth, I lean toward Nick being a perfectly reliable narrator who doesn't even realize that he might be coming off like an ass at times. I mean, it took me five reads and fifteen years to see it myself.

~ Stephanie