Qutting the Pill: Update

WARNING: This post contains detail about girl bodies and cycles. If you're a guy, the post may be irrelevant, unhelpful, and/or uncomfortable, but you're welcome to soldier on.

Saturday, September 7

"Should've" taken the pill and didn't.

Sunday, September 8

Experienced near-migraine-level headaches for a few minutes at a time sporadically throughout the day.

Monday, September 9

Woke up at 2:30am in the fetal position, holding my splitting head. Tried to wait it out, but needed to get to sleep because I was directing Challenge B the next day. Took naproxen sodium.

Exactly eight hours later, when the medicine wore off, the headache came back a little, but I was able to resist taking more pain medicine.

Tuesday, September 10

More sporadic, painful headaches.

My mind feels slightly thinner, like something thick and clunky has been discarded. I feel good, more "myself." Not sure if it was just a good mood or something legitimately hormonal.

Wednesday, September 11–current (Wednesday, October 2)

No headaches! They have not returned since this. I'll never know if it was the birth control "withdrawal" or not, but I think it probably was.

Tuesday, September 17–Friday, September 27

Starting to experience some breast and nipple soreness. Doing jumpy exercises is uncomfortable.

Tuesday, September 17

Had some weird discharge. "Weird" because I forgot I used to get that before the pill. Definitely did not miss that these past three years.

Feeling more in touch with my sexuality. Hadn't been in a particularly sexy place for a while, but...feeling it.

Wednesday, September 18

Discharge continues.

Skin isn't looking great. A few small pimples pop up in places that I usually have trouble. Liberally apply The Body Shop's good ol' tea tree target gel.

Continuing to feel, as Rachel Green would say, "erotically charged."

Thursday, September 19

Still charged.

Do some research about discharge, find out 1) I'm probably ovulating for the first time in three years (yay, the pill didn't break me!), and 2) women typically feel more "in the mood" while they're ovulating, so that explains that as well.

Friday, September 20–Saturday, September 21

Nothing to report.

Sunday, September 22

Feel really bloated. Jeans I bought a few weeks ago don't fit the way they did when I bought them?

Monday, September 23

Still bloated.

Mellow Mushroom pizza tastes horrible one bite, delicious the next. Start to be paranoid about being pregnant.

Tuesday, September 24–Wednesday, September 25

Skin is looking mostly normal. Pimples may not have had anything to do with coming off the pill.

Still bloated.

Thursday, September 26

Still bloated. Entertaining the possibility that my summer diet is just catching up with me.

Take a pregnancy test to put my mind at ease about the bloating and breast soreness and changing food preferences.

Not pregnant.

Friday, September 27
Consider washing my hair a day early because it's greasier than usual. Realize that it would actually be TWO days earlier. Wonder if going off the pill is causing that?

Saturday, September 28
Some cramping.

End up not starting my period.

Sunday, September 29–Tuesday, October 1
Text Gabe from the bathroom: "'I'm not pregnant!' *said from the fetal position*"

Looks like the pill didn't break me and I could bounce back right away if I needed/wanted to, so that's good to know should we decide that period suck more than we're willing to put up with until we're ready to start trying, because...

Forgot how much real periods SUCK. Won't go into detail here, but girls who aren't on the pill know what I'm talking about. Alllllllll the wonderful stuff I'm talking about.

Wednesday, October 2
Period ends. Not sure if all of them will be this short—they were five or six days before taking the pill—but certainly wouldn't mind if they are.

Summary So Far:

Quitting the pill has affected me very little. While I think the headaches, breast tenderness, and ovulation are related to stopping, the other things may very well be normal and I'm just paying extra close attention to everything.

Not having to do something at 9:00 every single night is nice.

Periods suck so much. The pain and inconvenience had really faded in my mind after having super light, 2-day periods for three years. Reality hurts.

~Stephanie

The Enneagram

To be honest, I don't want to say too much on this, for a couple of reasons.

1) While I've done some research and reading, I'm not educated enough to give you the insight I think everyone should have.

2) If I allowed myself, this post could easily become too long.

What is the enneagram?
It's a nine-pointed shape. It's an ancient (think "B.C.") theory that there are nine basic personality types that relate to each other in a specific pattern. It has been used and proven for thousands of years. It has been used and proven in the lives of many people I know, including mine and Gabe's—and Gabe is an avid hater of personality tests and theories (he's a self-diagnosed Four).

"Enneagram." Isn't that Satanic?
1) Lots of strong Christians use this.
2) Possibly lots of strong Satanists use it too; I don't know any personally.
3) While it definitely sounds suspect, the enneagram is just a descriptive tool for understanding yourself and others. It does not claim to have any magical powers or ask you to do anything with its information. I'm sure it can be taken to an extreme or held up as an idol, but I'm not sure how the information itself could be Satanic or dangerous.

It also doesn't have to be in a shape. You can write the information down in list-form if it makes you feel better.

If I come across a little aggressive and passionate here, bear with me. I've learned that I'm probably an Eight.

Could you stop saying numbers and tell me how this works?
There are nine different personality types. You are one of them. Each person might also have a "wing," which is one of the numbers on either side of the person's main number. I've said that I'm Eight, and I think I might have a Seven wing. This means that while I'm mostly Eight, sometimes I have characteristics of a Seven.

Each personality type has a "stress" and a "security" number as well. When Eights are feeling stressed, they tend to take on the negative characteristics of a Two. When Eights are feeling secure, they tend to take on the positive characteristics of a Five.

All this info is more easily grasped in the dreaded, Satanic-looking enneagram shape (different people have different titles for the types):

How do I find out my type?
If you're interested, there are internet quizzes to help you figure out which number you might be. However, my dad (yes, the Baptist pastor) recommended that I read books on the topic so that I can understand the numbers and figure myself out, rather than have an algorithm tell me what I am.

So far I've used The Road Back to You: An Enneagram Journey to Self-Discovery* by Ian Cron and Suzanne Stabile, and The Enneagram: A Christian Perspective by Richard Rohr and Andreas Ebert. I've also listened to the podcast for The Road Back to You.

How does it help?
At the end of each Type's chapter in The Road Back to You, there is a short list of suggestions for how that type can grow. Two of the suggestions for me were "Watch out for and avoid black-and-white thinking. Gray is an actual color" and "You don't have a corner on the truth market. In the heat of battle, stop and ask yourself, What if I'm wrong? Say that a hundred times a day."

Spot. On. Advice XD

After doing some reading himself, Gabe believes he's a Four. Knowing that, I can read about the way Fours think (or, more accurately, "feel") and love him better.

Identifying our types has already affected our marriage positively. Gabe understands better that my knee-jerk reactions sound like anger, even when I'm not actually angry, and that I push just to see who will push back. I understand better that he doesn't "have" feelings, but more is feelings, and when he doesn't explain himself, it isn't just because he won't, but often because he can't.

Who cares?
Maybe not you, and that's okay. In my very-newly-formed opinion, the enneagram is most helpful for understanding yourself: how you've been coming across your whole life, where your weak or blind spots are, and how you can grow to be the you that God created you to be.

I do not think it's a tool for putting people into boxes or giving yourself an honorary degree in psychology. While I enjoyed wondering about the Types of people in my life, I don't think I can tell them what their number is. You can watch someone's eating habits and make an educated guess about their favorite foods, but if someone replies, "Actually, brownies aren't my favorite," you have no right to retort, "Yeah they are. I read a book about food."

Only you can decide and own your number. You'll probably know it when you reach a Type description that makes you wince.

~Stephanie

* This book does lean left, mainly just in some of its anecdotes. I'm a conservative and was able to look past that, but be aware of that going in. Don't let two authors' political opinions turn you off from the enneagram.

A Morning Routine

For a hot minute in August, I decided to do Balance Athletica's "Elevate U Challenge," where you commit to six life-changing daily habits for six weeks:

1) Get 7–8 hours of sleep.
2) Drink a gallon of water.
3) Stick to your nutrition goals.
4) Develop a morning routine.
5) Stretch for 10 minutes before bed.
6) Get one hour of movement.

However, you know how I feel about streaks and how I might suffer from mild OCD, so sometimes the kindest thing I can do for myself is not put myself in a position to form a streak that I will then be a slave to. Elevate U quickly revealed itself to be something I would be wise NOT to commit to officially.

However, two of the habits I found surprisingly pleasant and beneficial, one of which is the morning routine.

Honestly, my mornings were already fairly routine, but I added a tiny, specific routine that I try to do "first" ("first" in quotation marks because, again, I need to leave flexibility so as not to lose my mind XD).

I get out my journal and I write down three things:

1) A person I'm going to pray for throughout the day
2) A "theme" word to guide me
3) A concrete, measurable goal

Then I say the Lord's Prayer, trying to pay attention to every word, and end with a quick prayer for whomever I decided to pray for that day.

(NOTE: This sounds weirdly Holier Than Thou when I write about it, but it's really not. I started saying the Lord's Prayer because I wanted something that would center me on God, but not require a lot of me right away. How's that for not particularly holy at all?)

This whole "routine" takes about two minutes, and I like the way it sets up my day.

A Person to Pray For
I started this hoping that God would lay someone clearly on my heart each day to pray for, but he usually doesn't. I usually just search around in my mind and pick someone. I pray for the person every time I think about it during the day. Some days it's many times, some days it's not, but it's more than it would be if I hadn't intentionally picked someone.

A "Theme" Word
I started with a daily fruit of the spirit, and then started on Aristotle's virtues, but the latter did absolutely nothing for me. I could never remember what virtue I was supposed to be focusing on, and it just didn't feel right. So I went back to the fruits of the spirit.

As I'm writing this, my theme word for the day is Joy. Joy is my favorite day. I always get that childhood song stuck in my head: "I've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart. Where? Down in my heart. Where? Down in my heart. I've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart. Where? Down in my heart to stay.*" Somehow, it's not annoying. It actually brings me Joy.

A Goal
I usually pick a work-related goal because I find that's the area in which I get the most lost or discouraged. It's very easy for me to end the day having not completely checked off a single item on my work to-do list.

I make this goal incredibly attainable; it is never a "stretch goal." If I reach this goal, it always inspires me to work better afterwards. It not only increases my productivity, it makes me feel happy and accomplished, which colors everything.

This is one personal change that I would recommend others try. Find something tiny (five minutes or less) that sets your day up the way you like it, and do that. You'll start the day feeling like you did it on purpose, on your own terms.

~Stephanie

* I thought the last two syllables were "to-day" until I just Googled them. Apparently I've been singing it all wrong XD Either way, I like it.

Quitting the Pill

Before anyone gets excited, Gabe and I are not "trying," and we have no definite plans for when we will start.

But I think I'm on my last pack of birth control pills.*

There's a lot of information out there about birth control. Many people condemn it as harmful or immoral, saying that it can leave you infertile or with a host of hormonal problems. Many people swear it's completely safe and has zero long-term effects.

I will be the first to tell you that I hate doing scientific research (exception: psychology). (That is one thing about myself that I have not even begun to tackle.) I'm not good at it and I find it really boring. Is birth control an assault on your body, or a perfectly healthy tool? Like every other scientific topic (creation, global warning, keto diet, ET CETERA), it depends on who you listen to. But here's what I've decided:

It can't possibly be BETTER to manipulate your hormones than not to. And if I'm going to deal with any sort of "withdrawal" symptoms, I'd rather just get them over with.

Doctors insist that birth control taken for a long period of time (like, 10+ years) does not adversely affect your chances of conceiving. Doctors insist that birth control does not "take a while to leave your system." However, countless regular people report otherwise, on both counts. If it's going to take me a while to get my cycle back, I don't want to find that out mid-trying. How sad and frustrating would that be?

If my skin is going to go crazy, let's work that out ASAP.

If I'm going to get withdrawal migraines, let's let that run its course ASAP.

If I'm going to gain a bunch of weight, let's develop a solution to that ASAP.

If I'm going to have crazy cramping at first, let's get that over with ASAP.

If my moods are going to be all over the place, let's deffffffffffinitely figure that out before I attempt to have a child.

I may have zero symptoms from going off birth control. (I had pretty much zero symptoms from going on it.) But, like I said, manipulating your hormones just can't be better than NOT manipulating them.

I think I'm kind of excited to let my body get back to doing its own thing. I'm definitely worried about all of the above possibilities, but I'm not going to take birth control forever; I have to stop sometime.

I'm making all these other changes. Why not quit the pill too? I've always been an all-or-nothing person, and lately it seems to be all.

~Stephanie

* I drafted this post mid-August. As you can see, it is now end-September. I've been off the pill this whole month. Maybe I'll do an update post soon?

Worship

I started to "get into" worship a little when our church (The Point Church in Apex) did a whole series called Sing (I think). We talked about how praising God through music isn't just an optional expression, but a biblical command. I did some tentative but heartfelt Hold My Baby hand raising during that series. (Click here if you don't know what I mean.)

It kinda faded though. While my view of worship remained changed, the outward fire fizzled a little.

But lately, it's back. I'm writing this on August 17th, and I hope it's is still true as you're reading this.

I don't think my passion for worship has changed based on anything going on at church on Sunday. The music has always been good. The song choices have always been good. The Point atmosphere of worship has always been incredible. What has changed is the other six days of the week.

Let me be clear: I'm not using this blog to pat myself on the back for all the *hair flip* awesome changes I've been making lately. There is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY that these changes are coming from inside myself. If you've known me for any amount of time you know that I've been on a self-driven crusade to change and improve myself blah blab blah for MY ENTIRE LIFE.

And it. has. never. worked.

I always end up failing and getting frustrated, reverting back to whatever I was trying to quit or do differently. Without fail, this is how it has always gone. I have never been able to change myself.

This is why I'm certain that I'm not changing myself now. The only change I have made is to go to God every morning. Devotionals keep me focused and give me something physical to DO so that if the Enemy tries to discourage me or sidetrack me, I have something that I can physically hold that will ground me and point me back to the Lord. If I feel like all I can do one morning is "go through the motions," then I go through the motions. And usually, by the end, I'm not just going through the motions any more.

It's all about that tendril of Holy Spirit strength.

I keep thinking about the Rebecca St. James song "Reborn":

"If you see a change in me don't wonder 

There's someone in my life 

And peace I can't describe 

For I've been reborn 

If you see a change in me don't wonder 

I've found a whole new life 

And hope that I can't hide 

For I've been reborn."

THIS is why I've been feeling worship differently: because I've been feeling GOD differently.

I cannot stress enough how much this isn't something I'm able to do, but something God is doing.

I also keep thinking about the DC Talk song "What If I Stumble" (early 2000s music coming in clutch these days), kind of just waiting for all my "progress" to come to a screeching halt or for Gabe to die so that God can really test my faith or something.

But 1) God cannot be stopped, so if I can just keep myself out of his way, we should be good, and 2) God is a good, good father, and that's not what he's like. That is a lie from the Enemy.

All this to say, raising my hands, clapping, closing my eyes, and singing loudly no longer feel weird. At the beginning, I would feel the Spirit tugging on me to raise my hands, but I would get immediately stuck in my head. A time of worship would become a time of internal struggle. Lately, it genuinely just...happens. I'll kind of feel the Spirit, and then my hands are out. It's not a struggle. It's not really even a decision. I have given that decision over to God during the week, and on Sundays he just makes it for me and I sit back and enjoy his presence. It's a joy and freedom I've never tapped into before.

I feel like there is no way this doesn't sound like bragging. It's not. This isn't me being such a great Christian. This is God being an all-powerful, supernatural king.

There is no posture of worship we could have that would be melodramatic or "too much." God deserves it all.

Happy to report that the Spirit has now taken me to some Mufasa, School Room, and Touchdown lately.

Again, click here if you're confused.

~Stephanie